I. Am. SO. Dead.

Okay, so.  I had to go to the home store today for a new rake so the kids and I could rake the yard while TWH was at work.  While I was there I picked up a few Christmas things. Like I needed more.  I got some (eight) more Nutcrackers for the living room, aaannnnndddd.... some beaded garland and lights for Gwenyth.  Hey, it's Christmas week. This stuff is practically ON SALE!!  So I came home, we raked the yard, and I decorated my chicken.  THIS is why TWH is gonna kill me when he gets home.  I have to say though, she looks pretty damn good.

Gwenyth all decorated & Lit.

Me & Gwenyth

I love her so!!

Miss A, being MY daughter through & through, was, of course, on hand for the decorating & lighting of the chicken.  She takes almost as much joy in this shit as I do.  We should probably not be allowed out together unsupervised with spare time and cash any more...

Miss A with Gwenyth

She loves her as much as I do.

I am lucky to have a daughter who I can laugh with & shares my crazy sense of humor.

P.S. We drove by the house when we went to pick up the Dawgs from the groomers. We looked at Gwenyth as we passed and laughed ourselves silly. It's a thrown together half assed decorating job but it's FUNNY as HELL!!

I'm Playing "Meet Me On Monday"

Okay, so. Another blog I follow, http://nevergrowingold.blogspot.com, plays a game of sorts, called Meet Me On Monday.  I have decided to play.  So here goes:

Questions:

1.Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I use both, depending on the gift & level of laziness

2.Real or artificial tree?
Artificial. The Boy has asthma & I can't remember the ONE type of real tree that WON'T try to kill him.

3.When do you put your tree up?
Thanksgiving weekend. It takes the whole long weekend to do the house.

4.When do you take your tree down?
New Year's Day

5.Do you like eggnog?
Yes. Love the stuff!!

6.Do you have a nativity scene?
Sadly, no. I wish I did. Just haven't found one I liked.

7.Favorite Christmas Movie?
A Christmas Story.  Ralphie rocks!!

8.Favorite Christmas cookie?
My Grandmother made these fruitcake cookies I ADORED every year that I couldn't get enough of. She called them "Lizzies".

9.Where will you eat Christmas dinner?
This year, the In-Laws. Next year, HOME.

10.Angel, bow or star on top of your tree?
Angel. It's been that way my whole life.

11.Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
What passes for "Christmas" music.  Some of it makes my ears bleed.

12.Do you like Fruitcake?
Yes. I know, I'm weird
.
13.What are you most excited about the holidays?
Seeing my family open their gifts.

14.Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
We usually travel so either several days before or several days after. Next year, it will be ONE on Christmas Eve & the rest on Christmas Morning.

15.Will you still be wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
I'm kinda OCD about that stuff so no. I usually have it done at least a week early.

I GOT ME A LEG LAMP!!!!

Okay, so. TWH and I go into Walgreen's to get me some more allergy medicine (because we live in South LA and I'm allergic to everything).  I had wandered down the paper goods aisle to see if they had some cutesy Christmas Ziploc bags when I looked up and over a couple of aisles. THEN I SAW IT.  The object I had been coveting in other people's windows for YEARS.  The Leg Lamp.  Now in all honestly, I first saw this little 20 inch tall version and as I was gasping and pointing, I looked to the right and saw the Leg Lamp Motherlode!!  3 feet of beautiful, fishnet clad, stiletto wearing, leg shaped beauty.  I run over to the aisle in awe and wonderment telling TWH "I NEED IT".  TWH looked around for one that was not on display, doesn't see a box and declares "Well, that's the only one. I guess you don't need it after all".  I had other ideas. That lamp was going home with me, dammit.  The following are the conversations between me, TWH, the poor employee I roped into my quest, and (I think) the store manager:

Me: I NEED IT
TWH: They don't HAVE ANOTHER ONE
Me: They have the DISPLAY ONE. I can buy THAT ONE!!
TWH: They won't sell you that.
Me: The hell they won't.

At this point, I walk over to a checkout counter where I wait (im) patiently for the elderly woman in front of me to finish her transaction. When she (finally) leaves, I walk up to the counter.

Me: I need that leg lamp. The BIG ONE!!  I NEED IT!!
Now, at this point, I'm shaking like a small dog who needs to be sedated.
Checker Guy: (Laughs-maybe nervously) Okay, let me see if I can find a box for you and get it down

He wanders (runs) off to the back while I go to stand guard over my lamp because at this point some guy who can't REALLY love this lamp the way I can is eyeballing it and I had to go run him off.

TWH: Is there even a price tag for it. (Looks around) Oh my GOD!! The LITTLE one is 30 DOLLARS??  How much is the big one gonna cost??
Me: I DON'T CARE!! I NEED IT!!
TWH: We're taking this home no matter how much it costs aren't we??
Me: Duh

Checker Guy comes back with a ladder. He climbs up to the top shelf where my lamp lives. He unplugs it and climbs down.  I show great self-restraint by not snatching it from him, clutching it to my chest, and whispering "My Precious" while stroking it lovingly.

Checker Guy: It doesn't have a price tag OR a box but since it's a display item, we can probably give you a discount.
Me: (To TWH) See, we're getting a discount.

We go to the photo counter with Checker Guy. He looks it up, than names a 3 digit price that makes TWH sigh in resignation as he swipes the card. I am doing a happy dance and giggling like a maniac. I just won the Christmas Decoration Lottery!!  The store manager comes out and actually CONGRATULATES me on my purchase.

Manager Lady: Congratulations!!  I'm glad to know it's going to a good home. Take care of it, it's a Major Award and it's Fragilay!!
Me: Thank you!!  I love it so much!! I will take EXCELLENT care of it!!

I take my prize out to the car and lovingly place it where I know it will survive the ride home.

TWH: I'm not even gonna go online and find out how much less I could've gotten this for. I can't believe we paid for this thing.
Me: It's a gift from the Universe!!  And you didn't pay that much for the Leg Lamp. You paid that much for my JOY!! Look at the JOY!!!
TWH: We overpaid. It's times like this I actually miss being poor. Merry Effin' Christmas.

We drove home and I put my Major Award in my living room. Sadly, unless I move the tree, I have no window to display it in. Next year though, I'm finding it a window. Maybe I can re-arrange TB's room...

My Lamp in the store.

How could anyone NOT see the JOY here??

Decorating for Christmas

Okay, so. Now that I have decided I am indeed gonna live after the stomach virus I had played havoc with my insides, I have started decorating for Christmas. Typically, I do this in a day-and-a-half marathon of unpacking bins from the attic, throwing the decorations up, packing the bins back up, and getting them back into the attic. I just can't stand the clutter of all the bins piled up in the living room, dining room, and kitchen. It drives me batshit crazy. This year, it's gonna take me the better part of the weekend. We got bins down yesterday & I decorated the mantle & put up some other piddly stuff. Today I got down to business. I put up my Rudolph Christmas Village. This is a major production here since it covers two tables and ALL of the tops of my kitchen cabinets. This involves many trips up & down a stepladder & walking on my counter tops. (Yes, I clean the hell out of them after) Whenever I embark on anything that might be even remotely dangerous or injury causing, TWH always offers these words of comfort & support: "Woman, don't you dare fall/hurt yourself. If you do, I'm gonna be PISSED. If I have to go sit with your ass in the ER for all day, I'm gonna be DOUBLE PISSED!!"  I love how he's always so concerned with my well-being. It's truly touching.

You Left it There...

Okay, so. I pull up to work Saturday and the little boutique next us has parked this big assed Airstream trailer in the parking lot. This thing is easily 30 feet long and covered with their store name and designs. And dirt. Lots of dirt.  It's been there all week and I now have the urge to play with it. Now, while I would never enter this thing or abuse it in any way, I WOULD incorporate it into the first ever Troy's Barber Shop Christmas Card.  Picture this: Troy dressed as Cousin Eddie in the Christmas Eve scene from Christmas Vacation with the caption "Merry Christmas....  Shitter's full!!"  TWH suggested we both stand in front of it wearing those old fashioned red underwear.  I just think we should incorporate every trailer trash stereotype EVER.  Beehive hair, Peggy Bundy type clothing, a wifebeater, ugly pants, shitty lawn chairs and empty beer cans everywhere. Oh!! And pink flamingos!! I think that just SCREAMS Christmas- Barber Shop style!!  I say if you're gonna leave it just lying around, I'm gonna play with it...  We're gonna have to photoshop out all their marketing stuff though. It just doesn't suit my "Vision".

Okay, the picture is crappy because I have no idea how to copy pictures from my phone but you get the  idea

                                                                                                                 

ALREADY!?!?!?

Okay, so. As most of you know, TWH & I have been working feverishly on the outside of our house while the nice weather holds out.  This has required MANY a trip to the home store.  A few weeks ago, I noticed they were starting to put their Christmas stuff out. Where I would usually roll my eyes and mutter huffily about "At least getting Thanksgiving out of the way for fuck's sake" I actually jumped at the opportunity to peruse their light & lawn decor offerings. See, a couple of years ago, TWH decided to throw out all our old lights in favor of new LED lights. He explained that they would last longer, were harder to break, and would cost about 1/4 the money to run. That last part translated as "You can buy twice as many new lights and still save money". Total win!!  Last year, when the lights first got put out in the stores, I suggested we buy some. My suggestion was met with derision and the purchase was delayed. Fast forward to the weekend after Thanksgiving. We're decorating the outside of the house. We don't have enough lights. We go to the home store. They have NOTHING. Apparently, everyone else in the world decided to go LED too. Only they had the foresight to go ahead and buy their shit. 4 stores later, and we left empty handed to make do with what we had. Not this year by God!! This year I started on this shit as soon as they put it out. I made a reconnaissance lap to see just what they had then the buying frenzy began!!  I walked away with several (5) hundred lights, lighted garland for our (just today completed) porch railing, new lighted stake-in-the-yard decorations, and a giant tub of 100 shatter proof ornaments. For the lighted garland on the porch. So it's not just plain green during the day. Duh. Before you ask, YES I want my house to look like the Griswold house.  Just last year, I had the pizza delivery guy call me and ask where my house was in relation to "The house with all the lights everywhere". I was elated.  I am planning just where everything will go.      Already.