Tuesday, December 27, 2011

And in other news...

Okay, so. My clients are awesome.  This is one of my guys, on his vacation, who heard ALL about my chicken quest. And encouraged it!! I have NO idea how he convinced his fiancee to take this picture or why he told her he needed it but I'm glad he did!!

Yes, he's awesome.  Yes, he's eye candy. Yes, I love my job.

The End Is Nigh.... Oh Wait. Nevermind...

Okay, so. Today I put the TVs on T's side of the shop on a news channel for the first time in for-ev-er.  He's out of town this week and he left it on some channel that was either going to end in talk shows or soap operas. I don't do either. Now, I don't watch the news as a rule. Mostly because it's either morbid, alarmist, or fluff. I like my morbidity, alarmist-ness, and fluff to be all fake, thankyouverymuch. Anyways, as I'm glancing at the news, I notice that all of their morning anchors seem to have been replaced. And they all look dumber than their predecessors. THEN HolyshitmotherofGod!! I thought I saw a Kardashian as an anchor.  I actually said to the guy in my chair, "Oh shit...  Is that a freaking Kardashian anchoring the "News"??  That's it, after you, I'm locking the door. If you need me, I'll be in the bar. The end is nigh. I'm sure as hell not going out SOBER."  Upon closer inspection, the anchor was just done up to LOOK like a brainless twat. She wasn't ACTUALLY one. Probably.  Crisis averted.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I'm Still Learning

Okay, so. I thought I was all smart adding photos to my blog.  Except I was doing it wrong so on some of my posts, the photos came up as NOTHING. Nada. There wasn't Jack Shit there.  I will say it's probably due to my being a non-techie dipshit.  TWH showed me where I went wrong and I think I've fixed it.  I'm pleased to announce, there are photos where there should be photos!!  Yay!!  Now you can see Tigger, my Leg Lamp, and Christmas Gwenyth in ALL their glory!!  I'm still learning this shit. One day I'll get it all straight. Then it'll probably all change...

I. Am. SO. Dead.

Okay, so.  I had to go to the home store today for a new rake so the kids and I could rake the yard while TWH was at work.  While I was there I picked up a few Christmas things. Like I needed more.  I got some (eight) more Nutcrackers for the living room, aaannnnndddd.... some beaded garland and lights for Gwenyth.  Hey, it's Christmas week. This stuff is practically ON SALE!!  So I came home, we raked the yard, and I decorated my chicken.  THIS is why TWH is gonna kill me when he gets home.  I have to say though, she looks pretty damn good.

Gwenyth all decorated & Lit.

Me & Gwenyth

I love her so!!

Miss A, being MY daughter through & through, was, of course, on hand for the decorating & lighting of the chicken.  She takes almost as much joy in this shit as I do.  We should probably not be allowed out together unsupervised with spare time and cash any more...

Miss A with Gwenyth

She loves her as much as I do.

I am lucky to have a daughter who I can laugh with & shares my crazy sense of humor.

P.S. We drove by the house when we went to pick up the Dawgs from the groomers. We looked at Gwenyth as we passed and laughed ourselves silly. It's a thrown together half assed decorating job but it's FUNNY as HELL!!

I'm Playing "Meet Me On Monday"

Okay, so. Another blog I follow, http://nevergrowingold.blogspot.com, plays a game of sorts, called Meet Me On Monday.  I have decided to play.  So here goes:


1.Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I use both, depending on the gift & level of laziness

2.Real or artificial tree?
Artificial. The Boy has asthma & I can't remember the ONE type of real tree that WON'T try to kill him.

3.When do you put your tree up?
Thanksgiving weekend. It takes the whole long weekend to do the house.

4.When do you take your tree down?
New Year's Day

5.Do you like eggnog?
Yes. Love the stuff!!

6.Do you have a nativity scene?
Sadly, no. I wish I did. Just haven't found one I liked.

7.Favorite Christmas Movie?
A Christmas Story.  Ralphie rocks!!

8.Favorite Christmas cookie?
My Grandmother made these fruitcake cookies I ADORED every year that I couldn't get enough of. She called them "Lizzies".

9.Where will you eat Christmas dinner?
This year, the In-Laws. Next year, HOME.

10.Angel, bow or star on top of your tree?
Angel. It's been that way my whole life.

11.Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
What passes for "Christmas" music.  Some of it makes my ears bleed.

12.Do you like Fruitcake?
Yes. I know, I'm weird
13.What are you most excited about the holidays?
Seeing my family open their gifts.

14.Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
We usually travel so either several days before or several days after. Next year, it will be ONE on Christmas Eve & the rest on Christmas Morning.

15.Will you still be wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
I'm kinda OCD about that stuff so no. I usually have it done at least a week early.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And Then The Boy Said "Shit"

Okay, so.  This afternoon I had to drive to Jackson, MS to pick up Miss A.  As we were heading back to the interstate, we passed a horse trailer with an honest-to-God CAMEL in it.  I immediately jumped on Twitter and posted "Jackson, Mississippi. Where you can see a guy pulling a horse trailer with a CAMEL in it. I am NOT making this shit up...". Let's face it, it's not everyday you see a camel outside a zoo.  Now, recently, TB created a Twitter account and started following me. He saw my post and read it ALOUD. Verbatim.  TWH & I began laughing like crazy. Mostly because TB swore. TB is vehemently opposed to swearing. He tells me this often as he chastises me about my language.  TB was mortified. He SWEARS he said SHUT.  I of course, jumped on twitter to tell everyone my son said "Shit".  Then to tell everyone he was mortified and SWORE he said SHUT.  Then he saw the Tweets about the language "snafu" and was DOUBLY mortified.  He usually begs to be Tweeted about. I didn't realize he wanted to approve the Tweets about him first.  Little freakin' diva.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


Okay, so. TWH and I go into Walgreen's to get me some more allergy medicine (because we live in South LA and I'm allergic to everything).  I had wandered down the paper goods aisle to see if they had some cutesy Christmas Ziploc bags when I looked up and over a couple of aisles. THEN I SAW IT.  The object I had been coveting in other people's windows for YEARS.  The Leg Lamp.  Now in all honestly, I first saw this little 20 inch tall version and as I was gasping and pointing, I looked to the right and saw the Leg Lamp Motherlode!!  3 feet of beautiful, fishnet clad, stiletto wearing, leg shaped beauty.  I run over to the aisle in awe and wonderment telling TWH "I NEED IT".  TWH looked around for one that was not on display, doesn't see a box and declares "Well, that's the only one. I guess you don't need it after all".  I had other ideas. That lamp was going home with me, dammit.  The following are the conversations between me, TWH, the poor employee I roped into my quest, and (I think) the store manager:

Me: They have the DISPLAY ONE. I can buy THAT ONE!!
TWH: They won't sell you that.
Me: The hell they won't.

At this point, I walk over to a checkout counter where I wait (im) patiently for the elderly woman in front of me to finish her transaction. When she (finally) leaves, I walk up to the counter.

Me: I need that leg lamp. The BIG ONE!!  I NEED IT!!
Now, at this point, I'm shaking like a small dog who needs to be sedated.
Checker Guy: (Laughs-maybe nervously) Okay, let me see if I can find a box for you and get it down

He wanders (runs) off to the back while I go to stand guard over my lamp because at this point some guy who can't REALLY love this lamp the way I can is eyeballing it and I had to go run him off.

TWH: Is there even a price tag for it. (Looks around) Oh my GOD!! The LITTLE one is 30 DOLLARS??  How much is the big one gonna cost??
TWH: We're taking this home no matter how much it costs aren't we??
Me: Duh

Checker Guy comes back with a ladder. He climbs up to the top shelf where my lamp lives. He unplugs it and climbs down.  I show great self-restraint by not snatching it from him, clutching it to my chest, and whispering "My Precious" while stroking it lovingly.

Checker Guy: It doesn't have a price tag OR a box but since it's a display item, we can probably give you a discount.
Me: (To TWH) See, we're getting a discount.

We go to the photo counter with Checker Guy. He looks it up, than names a 3 digit price that makes TWH sigh in resignation as he swipes the card. I am doing a happy dance and giggling like a maniac. I just won the Christmas Decoration Lottery!!  The store manager comes out and actually CONGRATULATES me on my purchase.

Manager Lady: Congratulations!!  I'm glad to know it's going to a good home. Take care of it, it's a Major Award and it's Fragilay!!
Me: Thank you!!  I love it so much!! I will take EXCELLENT care of it!!

I take my prize out to the car and lovingly place it where I know it will survive the ride home.

TWH: I'm not even gonna go online and find out how much less I could've gotten this for. I can't believe we paid for this thing.
Me: It's a gift from the Universe!!  And you didn't pay that much for the Leg Lamp. You paid that much for my JOY!! Look at the JOY!!!
TWH: We overpaid. It's times like this I actually miss being poor. Merry Effin' Christmas.

We drove home and I put my Major Award in my living room. Sadly, unless I move the tree, I have no window to display it in. Next year though, I'm finding it a window. Maybe I can re-arrange TB's room...

My Lamp in the store.

How could anyone NOT see the JOY here??

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Octogenarian Athlete

Okay, so.  Yesterday while TWH & I were in Starcrack's, we encountered the Octogenarian Athlete.  He passed by us as we waited for our coffees. I caught sight of him out of the corner of my eye and commented to TWH "Man, that's a LOT of spandex".  We got our coffees and were preparing to leave when it happened. I got a full frontal of the O.A.  Now, he wasn't wearing JUST spandex. He was wearing spandex that HAD to be at least two sizes TOO SMALL.  I was rendered speechless. SPEECHLESS!!  Me: *squeak*    TWH: Go baby. He's holding to door for us.  Me: *squeak*  TWH:  I know.  We get in the car and I look at TWH and exclaim: Oh my GAWD!!!  I can't un-see THAT!!!  That was MY Nightmare Before Christmas!!  So, in honor of the awfulness of it all, I have decided to write the O.A. a letter...

Dear Octogenarian Athlete,

While I applaud your obvious commitment to exercise and health, I can NOT overlook the fact that you obviously picked up your Granddaughter's spandex tights this morning as you were dressing for your day.  The image of your junk as you were (Bafflingly) willing to present it to the world snugged in spandex in fine detail.  I should never be able to determine if you, or any other male for that matter, are a "Grow-er" or a "Show-er" when you are fully dressed. Please, PLEASE for the love of all that is Good and Holy invest in a pair of shorts!! That way others can be spared the pain of having the image of your genitals seared into their brains the way they are into mine. Do it for the children, if nothing else.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

This Was NOT On My List

Okay, so.  TWH and I recently celebrated out 11th wedding anniversary (the weekend I thought I was gonna die) and I asked for another Dawg.  Beacuse I have lost my damn mind.  And I thought the Crackhaid Dawg could use the company.  And I have lost my damn mind.  Saturday, we went to a local rescue place and our search began.  In true OCD style, I had a list.  I wanted a dog who was housebroken, about the same size as the CD, and around the same age, that didn't shed much.  I got a tiny, 8 month old, NON-housebroken puppy. This was SO not on my list!!  I guess I got what I needed, not what I wanted.  He damn sure needed me.
 This is Tigger with a crackstick

 Tigger & Bentley on TWH's chair

 Tigger the day we brought him home. Lookit that face!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Pants Rule

Okay, so.  Last night I get TB's laundry from his room so he can clean school pants for today. I begin sorting his clothes when I notice that in addition to the school uniforms (3) he only has 2 shirts and 3 pairs of shorts in the laundry. I know for a FACT that he wore 2 of the shorts weekend before last and the other shorts last Wednesday when we tried to go to north Louisiana. He was home for a week people. SEVEN DAYS. This means he spent an entire week in his underpants. Clean underpants (we made him bathe) but underpants nonetheless. I'm considering instating a Pants Rule. If you're out of bed, you WILL be wearing pants. This way, maybe he'll at least take the dog out...  Little lazyass...


The Pants Rule was hit or miss until a few weeks ago. I was fussing at TB AGAIN about not wearing pants.  He finally asked in exasperation "WHY are you so worried about whether or not I'm wearing PANTS?!?!"

So I told him.

"Because when you're wearing just your boxers and you sit a certain way, I can see your ball sac.  It looks kinda like that naked mole rat offa Kim Possible and quite honestly, it freaks me the hell out.  Does that answer your question??"

Both he AND TWH were just staring at me like I'd grown a second head.

TB wears pants ALL the time now though.

Win for me!!