Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Okay, so. Most days, TWH & I ride into work together. When I pick him up in the afternoons, we exchange the usual pleasantries. Among those is "How was your day??" TWH will usually add "Anything interesting happen today??". My typical answer is "Not really". I'll throw out a tidbit or two but it's never anything truly noteworthy. Let's face it, Not every week is a Chicken Shit Husband kinda week.  Today, however, I had something to tell.

TWH: So, how was your day??  Anything interesting happen??

Me: I almost accidentally said Twat at work today. There was that.

TWH: You almost said WHAT??

Me: Twat.

TWH:  How do you "Accidentally" say that??

Me: A client & I were discussing Game of Thrones & how Sansa seems to have the worst decision making skills in the history of EVER. (SPOILER!!)  Even when she was given the opportunity to leave King's Landing, she chose to stay.  I told him I was all like "You stupid Twaaa...TWIT!!".

TWH: Anybody buy that??

Me: Not really. They've met me.

TWH: Anybody say anything??

Me: No.

TWH: Then they couldn't have been surprised.  I can't believe they'd expect anything less at this point.

Me: Is that Good or Bad

TWH: Yes.

Yes is his go-to blanket answer he gives when he knows there is Potential for Pouting. He will neither deviate from or elaborate on his answer.

I usually end up pouting anyway.  Mostly because somehow, somewhere, in that "Yes" I'm supposed to be mildly insulted.  I think...

Why Yes...

Okay, so.  At work, I am usually the one who answers the phone. I'm not exactly sure how or when this duty fell to me primarily but it has. I also do most of the bathroom scrubbing, sweeping, straightening, sign making & mail sorting. I use all this to my advantage on Secretaty/Executive Assistant Day & guilt T into a free meal so don't think I'm complaining.
Anyways, typically right before & after a big Holiday or Vacation we get about 50 gajillion phone calls with people wanting to know the following:
Are you open??
Are you both working??
What time do you close??
Have you/when are you gone/going to lunch??
Are you busy right now??

I can answer these questions civilly up until about lunch. Depending on when lunch is.  Recently, right before a major Holiday, lunch didn't happen until about 2PM or so. To say I was getting a little cranky before would be understating it somewhat. I had my head down and was going balls-to-the-wall cutting hair when the phone rang. I answered like THIS:
"T's Barber Shop. Yes we are open. Yes we are both working. Yes we are busy. No, we haven't gone to lunch. No, I have no idea when we're going to lunch AND we close at FIVE. Is there anything I failed to cover??"
To his credit, the client on the other end of the line responded with "Nope. That pretty much answered all of my questions. I'll see you later."
All the clients who were IN the shop at the time were laughing their asses off.
T was NOT amused.
At ALL.
Not even a little.
He kind of fussed me.

UNTIL...

He was telling this story later that day as an example of my insolent behavior.
It just so happens the client I said all that to was sitting in the shop waiting for a haircut. He spoke up and said:
"That was me who called. I found her answer to be extremely helpful & concise. She answered all my questions BEFORE I even asked them".

HA!!!  Suck on THAT!!

Now T tells that story as an example of my insolent behavior & how I get away with it.
And as a cautionary tale to some of our newer clients that I haven't broken in good yet.

T often fails to appreciate my genius.

The Tale of the Chicken Shit Husband

Okay, so.  Earlier this week, Wednesday-ish, a guy comes into the shop, removes his ball cap, and says with a sigh only the bone crushingly oppressed can muster "My wife is MAKING me get a buzz cut and I was told to come see you". (Talking partly to me, partly to the shop at large).

T: Your wife is MAKING you get a buzz cut??

Chicken Shit Husband: Yes. I don't WANT one but she says I'll be cooler with it when I'm working & stuff.

Me: Okay, have a seat.

I get him settled and begin asking him the obligatory questions about overall length, etc.

CSH: I don't know exactly how short she wanted it.

Me: Well...  Did she mention any numbers?? 2, 3, 4?? Anything to indicate what she wanted the end result to be??

CSH:  She mentioned some numbers but I can't remember what they were.

Me: I tell you what. We'll start out longer and work our way shorter until YOU'RE happy. How about that??

CSH: Okay.

I fire up the clipper, snap on a blade and get ready to cut.  HE LEANED AWAY FROM THE CLIPPER!!  I try again (because I'm nothing if not persistent) and he leaned away AGAIN!! What. The. Fuck?!?!

Me: Is there a problem??

CSH: I'm not sure I want to do this since I can't remember what my wife told me. I'm gonna go GET HER & bring her back here so she can just TELL you what she wants.

Me: Alrighty then. Whatever makes you more comfortable.

He leaves. Never to be heard from again.

UNTIL TODAY!!  Oh yes folks!!  HE CAME BACK!!

CSH: You remember me from earlier this week?? Yeah, well I lost the fight. I'm gonna sit here & wait for my wife. She's on her way here.

T: You're really gonna do it this time huh??

CSH: Yeah. I told her about the mix up with the numbers & she told me she'd make it easy on me & to just get a zero all over.

T: A ZERO on your WHOLE head??

CSH: Yeah.

(Note: A zero is SHORT. A zero is what most Military & Police get on the sides. The only way to get shorter is with a RAZOR)

Me: (After he sits around for about 20 minutes) Are you still wanting to wait for your wife or do you want to go ahead & get started since you have your instructions??

CSH: I guess we can get started.

I get him all situated. AGAIN.  I fire up the clipper. AGAIN.
You know where this is going.

He chickened out. AGAIN!!

CSH: You know, I think you might be able to talk to my wife better about this. Maybe she won't argue with YOU.  I'm just gonna go outside & smoke until she gets here.

Me: Of COURSE you are!!

He fled. Never to be heard from again.

Because if he comes back a third time, I'm gonna tell him to take himself, his hair, and his WIFE to fucking Supercuts.

Let THEM deal with that shit!!

And in other news...

Okay, so. My clients are awesome.  This is one of my guys, on his vacation, who heard ALL about my chicken quest. And encouraged it!! I have NO idea how he convinced his fiancee to take this picture or why he told her he needed it but I'm glad he did!!

Yes, he's awesome.  Yes, he's eye candy. Yes, I love my job.