Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Alas, Poor Bill

Okay, so. Yesterday my phone chimes indicating a text message. I pick up my phone and see that it's some stupid, spammy text, with nothing but a link. I'm sure it was some magic potion that would make my boobs bigger or my ass smaller but I just wasn't interested. I texted back STOP, like you're supposed to do. Only to have it bounce back as being a "rejected message".  Of course, to my joy and wonderment, there's an EMAIL ADDRESS. Oh yes folks, poor Bill@ **********.net left me with an alternate way to contact him. So I did. The email looked something like this:
To: bill@**********.net
From: ginger@*********.net

Subject: Leave Me the Fuck Alone!!!!

The body of the text read simply: I believe the subject line says it all.

As an added precaution, I also sent ANOTHER text that read Do. Not. Ever. Fucking. Text. Me. AGAIN!!!

That text didn't get sent back. Surprisingly.

Winning at alienating spammy texters.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Simple Answer Is the Answer I Never Consider

Okay, so. My phone was acting all crazy the other day. Nothing would load. It was running slow. I was hating it. I complained about it to TWH via text and he told me he's look at it at lunch.

We get to lunch & I'm showing TWH my phone. He fiddles with it for a few minutes then gives me the typical Computer Geek line. "Did you turn it off & turn it back on again??"  I, of course, HADN'T tried that. I was too busy complaining about my phone to actually DO anything with it. Obviously.

TWH takes my phone & within a matter of minutes has it working PERFECTLY.  He hands it back to me and I am thrilled.  "What did you do to it??" I ask, in awe of his mad phone repair skills.  "I turned it off & turned it back on again" he says, with (to his credit) a perfectly straight face.

Of course he did...

I Got My FIRST Award!!

Okay, so.  I gots me an AWARD!!  Yep!! To quote Sally Field "You like me!!  You really LIKE me!!"

Anyway gave me THIS award:

Apparently,  there are RULES with this award.

1. Link back to the person who awarded you this Award.  Done.
2. Follow the blog of the person who gave you this Award. Done.
3. Proudly display this Award on your Blog. Done. (If you can see it. I'm a techno-goob.)
4. List 5 of your Favorite Things (See below)
5. Pass this Award on to 5 fellow Bloggers. (See below some more)

My Favorite Things:

1. My Fambly. They are loveable, funny, and sometimes frustrating, but they are mine and I adore them.
2. My Dawgs. They have covered my ENTIRE LIFE in fur and they bark at nothing a lot but they're my fur babies.
3. Peanut butter & jelly sammiches.  They're the perfect food. Enough said.
4. Cookies.  Nothing makes a crappy day better than just-out-of-the-oven cookies. They're good for the soul.
5. Shoes. Converse sneakers specifically. I LURVE me some Converse!!

My Fellow Bloggers:

1: Jent over at From My Front Porch.  She's a Mom & Farmwife who is completely honest about the state of her house and her idea of a "Vacation".
2: Jo over at The Bright Yellow Balloon.  She's a Mom who talks about her life with candor. I like that.
3: The Crooked Dog Blog.  This Mama took in Little Johnny. A Pittie who had a broken back, two broken back legs, and an unbroken spirit. I love reading about his progress and seeing his life as he grows.
4: Denise over at Adventures of a Jayhawk Mommy. She's a new Mommy with one of the cutest little girls I've ever seen!!
5: Dani over at Facebooking From the Edge. She may well give me a verbal Punch in the Throat for calling her blog "Cute" but I'll be damned if her Blogging about her spastic-ness isn't funny as hell!!
6: I can't help myself here. Kelly over at Excitement on the Side. She's got a new hubby, a new baby, the most level headed 7 year old on the planet and  is honest about her life with all three.

I am totally stalking these women. If you're not, you should,

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I'm NOT down with O.P.C.

Okay, so. Here's my (probably not so) dirty little secret. I'm not a fan of Other Peoples Children. Hell, there are days when I'm not that fond of my OWN children. Why in the hell would I like other peoples??  I'm sorry, but I find nothing endearing about the little shit who felt compelled to inform me that what was on the television in the shop was "inappropriate". I, of course, felt compelled to tell him that he wouldn't know if he weren't WATCHING. I could have gleefully tripped the kid who told me my son's Origami Yoda "Doesn't even LOOK like Yoda".  This was after he asked if it WAS a Yoda. Some of the kids I see are entitled. Some are mouthy, others are just downright spoiled assed rotten. And not in the good way.

This is not to say I dislike ALL O.P.C.  There are some I find absolutely delightful that I DIDN'T give birth to. However, they are rare.

Monday, February 20, 2012

I Feel Like Less Today

I feel like less today.  I often feel like less for a lot of different reasons.
I didn't go to college, so I feel like less.
I'm overweight, so I feel like less.
I'm not traditionally "Pretty", so I feel like less.
I'm don't behave like a "Lady" should, so I feel like less.

Today I feel even more less-er than usual.
I feel so small.  I feel so hateful.  I feel so sad.
I feel like less today.
It will pass.
It always does.
But today....
Today I feel like less.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

My Tiara & Crime

Okay, so.  TWH & I have recently discovered the show "The Finder". We're in the middle of a marathon today. This one episode has a chick who is a criminal and wears big ol' angel wings EVERYWHERE.  I look over at TWH & ask "Who wears angel wings everywhere they go if they're living a life of crime??" TWH mumbled something about my Tiara in reply. I countered with "My Tiara would totally HELP me with a life of crime. It certainly wouldn't be what kept me from escaping through an air vent.  My fat ass and my inability to run very far would prohibit my escape.  NOT my Tiara!!  My Tiara would help me escape. I could use the sparkly-ness of my Tiara to blind a motherfucker.  Angel wings, huge & easy to spot. Tiara:1 Angel Wings: 0.

Argument. Totally. Won.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Day In the Life

Okay, so. I live in South Louisiana. It's winter here today. I refuse to turn the heater on because it'll be spring again tomorrow. We're using the fireplace instead. Here's how The Dawgs see it, apparently....

Dawg:  Hey!! You got a fire!!
Me: Yep
Dawg: Hey!! You got a blanket!!
Me: Uh huh
Dawg: Hey!!  You got coffee!!
Me: Yummy coffee...
Dawg: Hey!!  You're all warm & comfy there on the sofa!!
Me: Sure am. C'mon up & cuddle
Dawg: I gotta go out


Saturday, February 11, 2012

I've Been a Bitch

Okay, so.  This week I've been a little under the weather.  My husband gave me the Plague (re: Upper Respiratory Infection).  On top of that, I have had raging PMS.

A couple of days ago, I tweeted "Upper respiratory infection, PMS, & bs drama. Somebody bring me a mocha & a cookie & back away slowly". I KNEW I was being a total Bitch From Hell but I COULDN'T STOP.  Didn't even know HOW. I was in the grip of my woes and I was wallowing there happily.

One night, I snapped at TWH for something petty, I'm sure. He looked at me and said "I know you're not feeling well, but you're being really.....  Cranky".

I looked at him with a COMPLETE lack of guile and said "I explained it all on Twitter".

End. Of. Story.

P.S. Someone actually found my blog by searching the keywords Twitter Roomba Everywhere Poop. Most random search EV-ER!!!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I Have No Idea Where This Post Is Going

Okay, so.  I had a post kind of written in my head about being sick then I was folding towels and a chewed up Crackstick the Little Dawg had buried in the basket fell out and I got all distracted by whether or not I should wash them again because I didn't want Dawg slob in my vajayjay and that's what that equated to in my head. Of course, my head is currently clouded with prescription cold medicine that came with a warning that said "May Cause Drowsiness" which equates to me as "Will Most Assuredly Knock You On Your Ass". Also, it makes me not spell for shit, apparently, judging by the record number of squiggly red lines popping up on my screen screaming "Damn Woman!! You are FUCKED UP!!" Yep, that cold medicine works like a charm. Fortunately, I have TWH to proofread this shit for me and correct my spelling mistakes while I drool into my pillow with eyeliner smeared across my forehead.

Anyway, a few highlights from my trip to the Urgent Care yesterday.
1) I referred to my urgent care as The Redneck Urgent Care on Twitter. I got a reply from one of my tweeps (@slackdaddy13) asking if this was due to an unfortunate beer can incident. (This guy is FUNNY)
2) I ran into my  friend & her husband. If I'd gotten out of the exam sooner, I could have planned out our whole Mardi Gras Parade viewing schedule.
3) TWH took my running into these people as vindication that he DID NOT give me the plague as I had accused him of. He said THEY had the SAME THING I did & he had NOT been kissing on EITHER of them.  I am still on the fence about this one.
4) I FINALLY remembered to tell the doc in a box that I did NOT want the steroid shot because I would like to go home and actually sleep thankyouverymuch. While the shot makes me able to breathe, I also end up re-arranging my Farmville or Pinterest (now) because even with all the cable & movie channels, there is STILL precious little on at 4AM worth watching & I NEED to be entertained dammit!!

Anyway, I got a crapload of meds. I will live to blog another day.  I REALLY need to go change into my jammies & brush my teeth because shit's starting to get a little blurry...

I told you this post was going NOWHERE. Don't drink cough medicine with a straw & blog kiddies!!

P.S.  I just put the towels away
P.P.S.  I used a straw for my cough syrup because I didn't have one of those little Nyquil cups, I didn't want to get my cooties all over the bottle, and I just spill it all down my front if I use a spoon. I'm a spaz.
P.P.P.S. TWH just proofread this post. He said I have an unprecedented ability to write a run-on sentence that YOU CAN"T FIX.  It's a gift.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Raising Kids With Love & Sarcasm

Okay, so.  We're in the car discussing what we want for dinner.  I'm dying for a burger but I don't want a fast food burger. TWH says "If we don't want fast..." and trails off because he's thinking. TB picks up with "Then we want FURIOUS".  We ignore him. Mainly because we're trying to have a serious conversation.  After a few more minutes of discussion, I hear TB muttering under his breath "Seriously?". This is the conversation that followed:
Me: What son??
TB: No. Nothing...
Me: No, really. If you have an opinion on dinner, let us know.
TB: It's not that...
Me: Well then what is it??
TB: Did you even hear what I said??
Me: Yeah. We heard. Why??  Did you make a suggestion for dinner & we missed it??
TB: NO. The OTHER thing.
Me: Oh. The furious thing??
TB: Yeah. THAT
Me: So you expect me to respond to your Jackassery??
Me: If you insist on a response to your Jackassery, I will happily respond with one of the following comments:
       1) Wil Wheaton says "Don't be a Dick!!"
       2) Don't be a Jackass
       3) You're being a Jerkface. Stop it.
       Do You find these responses agreeable son??
TB: .....   Uuuuuhhhhhh....  I guess.
Me: Then it's agreed. I'm glad we've come to an understanding.

I don't think TB really appreciates everything we do to accommodate him.  We're bending over backward here people. Bending. Over. Backward.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Good God, I'm Freakin' TIRED!!

Okay, so.  I have been up since 1:30 this morning. Not my idea. AT. ALL.  Tigger, also known as New Crackhaid Dawg, decided 1:30 was the perfect time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT IN HIS KENNEL.  I rolled over and mumbled "Hush Tigger". He quieted down for a few minutes then started whining again. TWH jumps in at this point & sternly says "Tigger, shut up". He did and I happily was on the verge of returning to my blissful slumber when (I guess) Tigger started up again and TWH (practically) yelled "Tigger!!  HUSH!!" which jolted me awake and scared the ever loving shit out of me. THAT'S why I have been stumbling around all day on 3 hours sleep.  Thank God for Starcracks!!

Needless to say, I'm a little cranky. I also have an extra short tolerance for crap right now.
Here's what happened on the way home.
TWH: (Singing along with the radio) *mumble, mumble, blah, blah*
ME: What?? (Thinking he actually SAID something)
TWH: Huh??
Me: Did you say something??
TWH: Huh??
Me: You're being a dick.

I go to tan. I'm tanning because the ZDD Parade is fast approaching & brown fat looks better than white fat. If you need proof, look at uncooked VS cooked bacon & tell me which one is more appealing. See?? Brown fat is better.
I doze off in the tanning bed & my ass is slightly sunburned.

I come home, have some pizza, and am sitting down watching TV. I have one Dawg barking at me for no apparent reason & one Dawg chewing on me. I'm almost on the verge of tears and am powerless to stop ANY of this.

I'm drinking tea. I'm watching ONE show on the DVR and I'm going to BED!!

Longest. Day. EV-ER!!