I Suck at Twitter. Apparently.

Okay, so. I was at lunch with TWH today when this teenage girl walks in with her Health Class/Sex Ed "Baby". She was holding it all wonky-like.  No real Mom could have EVER held her baby like that. I, of course, jump on Twitter and report "At lunch watching a teen girl fail the Mommy Test. Abysmally." Followed by "It's like a horror show you can't NOT watch".  I didn't Tweet any follow-up information. Thus prompting some of my FB friends to respond with a mixture of horror & concern.
In order to lay everyone's fears to rest here's what happened:

I'm sitting in a booth at lunch. It was a banquette seat and the women next to me had piled all their shit right where I needed to slide in to my spot. I totally rubbed my ass all over their purses. I say it's their fault for not moving it and will maintain that opinion until I DIE.

I'm chatting with TWH & look up to see a VERY young mom walking in with a baby. First I was prepared to hate her because the baby was TINY and so was she. Then I noticed she was carrying her baby in the weirdest & most unsafe manner I'd ever seen. THEN I noticed the baby was plastic. It was a Sex Ed "Baby"!!  Upon arriving at her table the "Mommy" plunks her "Baby" down on the table and sticks a "Bottle" in it's mouth while she whipped out her phone and began texting. Probably about the crazy woman that was staring at her and trying to take her picture surreptitiously over the booth behind her.
No, I didn't get the picture. Dammit.

I can only guess that this girl is gonna get a crappy grade on this project.
I also hope she has no immediate plans for procreation.
Like I said in response to my friend Stacey O. "If that "Baby" had been the raw egg WE got in High School, it'd have been an omelet by now".
Poor little plastic "Baby". She's gonna grow up to be a Methhead/Hooker Barbie because of her shitty infancy.

I've Been a Bitch

Okay, so.  This week I've been a little under the weather.  My husband gave me the Plague (re: Upper Respiratory Infection).  On top of that, I have had raging PMS.

A couple of days ago, I tweeted "Upper respiratory infection, PMS, & bs drama. Somebody bring me a mocha & a cookie & back away slowly". I KNEW I was being a total Bitch From Hell but I COULDN'T STOP.  Didn't even know HOW. I was in the grip of my woes and I was wallowing there happily.

One night, I snapped at TWH for something petty, I'm sure. He looked at me and said "I know you're not feeling well, but you're being really.....  Cranky".

I looked at him with a COMPLETE lack of guile and said "I explained it all on Twitter".

End. Of. Story.

P.S. Someone actually found my blog by searching the keywords Twitter Roomba Everywhere Poop. Most random search EV-ER!!!

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood...

Okay, so. If you follow me on Twitter or FB (pretty much ALL of you), then you know I've started a new photo series titled Scenes From Tha Redneckhood.  So far, I've captured a football goal in someone's backyard, and a horse eating grass in someone's front yard. This is in MY ACTUAL NEIGHBORHOOD PEOPLE!!  What I have yet to be able to capture is the Sanford & Son folks just up the block, the little nekkid children playing in a ditch unsupervised, or the folks who ride up & down the street on a little pink Vespa with a toddler in their lap. As I type this, I am listening to the offensively loud bass of the music coming from the people who live behind me.  They are apparently allowing their teenagers to have a party. Complete with a bonfire. Did I mention this bonfire is right next to a TRAILER??  Which will go up like kindling.  AND there are trampolines!!  Yep. The stupidity hat trick.  TWH & I have money on how long it will be until the sheriff/fire department/EMS will show up.  These are the people in MY neighborhood...

Oh NEVER MIND!!!

Okay, so. I have discovered Twitter. I know, It's been around FOR-EVER but I just now really started messing with it. And it's like Word Crack. I linked it to my FB and now I can put whatever stomps through my head out there almost IMMEDIATELY. This may not be the best idea....but it's too late now. I am not about to undo it. I figure if people don't like it, they can just skip over it. Or leave me rude comments. Whatever. However, some of my clients have come in and questioned me about my posts lately. Most of them just repeat whatever I put out there, and either laugh & shake their heads or just tell me "You're NOT RIGHT". I am well aware that I'm "Not Right". I have embraced my Not Right-ness and am happy with it. Some clients, however, want me to explain a post that MOST people (with a brain) thought was snarky, funny, or both. I have tried to explain these, on occasion, only to be met with a blank stare. Or, God Forbid, questions asked in earnest that there's no way in HELL I can begin to answer. I usually just end with a frustrated "Oh, just, NEVER MIND!!" and relegate them to the "Doesn't Get It" file. Like they say "If you have to ASK"...