Tuesday, December 27, 2011

And in other news...

Okay, so. My clients are awesome.  This is one of my guys, on his vacation, who heard ALL about my chicken quest. And encouraged it!! I have NO idea how he convinced his fiancee to take this picture or why he told her he needed it but I'm glad he did!!

Yes, he's awesome.  Yes, he's eye candy. Yes, I love my job.

The End Is Nigh.... Oh Wait. Nevermind...

Okay, so. Today I put the TVs on T's side of the shop on a news channel for the first time in for-ev-er.  He's out of town this week and he left it on some channel that was either going to end in talk shows or soap operas. I don't do either. Now, I don't watch the news as a rule. Mostly because it's either morbid, alarmist, or fluff. I like my morbidity, alarmist-ness, and fluff to be all fake, thankyouverymuch. Anyways, as I'm glancing at the news, I notice that all of their morning anchors seem to have been replaced. And they all look dumber than their predecessors. THEN HolyshitmotherofGod!! I thought I saw a Kardashian as an anchor.  I actually said to the guy in my chair, "Oh shit...  Is that a freaking Kardashian anchoring the "News"??  That's it, after you, I'm locking the door. If you need me, I'll be in the bar. The end is nigh. I'm sure as hell not going out SOBER."  Upon closer inspection, the anchor was just done up to LOOK like a brainless twat. She wasn't ACTUALLY one. Probably.  Crisis averted.

Monday, December 19, 2011

I'm Still Learning

Okay, so. I thought I was all smart adding photos to my blog.  Except I was doing it wrong so on some of my posts, the photos came up as NOTHING. Nada. There wasn't Jack Shit there.  I will say it's probably due to my being a non-techie dipshit.  TWH showed me where I went wrong and I think I've fixed it.  I'm pleased to announce, there are photos where there should be photos!!  Yay!!  Now you can see Tigger, my Leg Lamp, and Christmas Gwenyth in ALL their glory!!  I'm still learning this shit. One day I'll get it all straight. Then it'll probably all change...

I. Am. SO. Dead.

Okay, so.  I had to go to the home store today for a new rake so the kids and I could rake the yard while TWH was at work.  While I was there I picked up a few Christmas things. Like I needed more.  I got some (eight) more Nutcrackers for the living room, aaannnnndddd.... some beaded garland and lights for Gwenyth.  Hey, it's Christmas week. This stuff is practically ON SALE!!  So I came home, we raked the yard, and I decorated my chicken.  THIS is why TWH is gonna kill me when he gets home.  I have to say though, she looks pretty damn good.

Gwenyth all decorated & Lit.

Me & Gwenyth

I love her so!!

Miss A, being MY daughter through & through, was, of course, on hand for the decorating & lighting of the chicken.  She takes almost as much joy in this shit as I do.  We should probably not be allowed out together unsupervised with spare time and cash any more...

Miss A with Gwenyth

She loves her as much as I do.

I am lucky to have a daughter who I can laugh with & shares my crazy sense of humor.

P.S. We drove by the house when we went to pick up the Dawgs from the groomers. We looked at Gwenyth as we passed and laughed ourselves silly. It's a thrown together half assed decorating job but it's FUNNY as HELL!!

I'm Playing "Meet Me On Monday"

Okay, so. Another blog I follow, http://nevergrowingold.blogspot.com, plays a game of sorts, called Meet Me On Monday.  I have decided to play.  So here goes:


1.Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I use both, depending on the gift & level of laziness

2.Real or artificial tree?
Artificial. The Boy has asthma & I can't remember the ONE type of real tree that WON'T try to kill him.

3.When do you put your tree up?
Thanksgiving weekend. It takes the whole long weekend to do the house.

4.When do you take your tree down?
New Year's Day

5.Do you like eggnog?
Yes. Love the stuff!!

6.Do you have a nativity scene?
Sadly, no. I wish I did. Just haven't found one I liked.

7.Favorite Christmas Movie?
A Christmas Story.  Ralphie rocks!!

8.Favorite Christmas cookie?
My Grandmother made these fruitcake cookies I ADORED every year that I couldn't get enough of. She called them "Lizzies".

9.Where will you eat Christmas dinner?
This year, the In-Laws. Next year, HOME.

10.Angel, bow or star on top of your tree?
Angel. It's been that way my whole life.

11.Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
What passes for "Christmas" music.  Some of it makes my ears bleed.

12.Do you like Fruitcake?
Yes. I know, I'm weird
13.What are you most excited about the holidays?
Seeing my family open their gifts.

14.Do you open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
We usually travel so either several days before or several days after. Next year, it will be ONE on Christmas Eve & the rest on Christmas Morning.

15.Will you still be wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
I'm kinda OCD about that stuff so no. I usually have it done at least a week early.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And Then The Boy Said "Shit"

Okay, so.  This afternoon I had to drive to Jackson, MS to pick up Miss A.  As we were heading back to the interstate, we passed a horse trailer with an honest-to-God CAMEL in it.  I immediately jumped on Twitter and posted "Jackson, Mississippi. Where you can see a guy pulling a horse trailer with a CAMEL in it. I am NOT making this shit up...". Let's face it, it's not everyday you see a camel outside a zoo.  Now, recently, TB created a Twitter account and started following me. He saw my post and read it ALOUD. Verbatim.  TWH & I began laughing like crazy. Mostly because TB swore. TB is vehemently opposed to swearing. He tells me this often as he chastises me about my language.  TB was mortified. He SWEARS he said SHUT.  I of course, jumped on twitter to tell everyone my son said "Shit".  Then to tell everyone he was mortified and SWORE he said SHUT.  Then he saw the Tweets about the language "snafu" and was DOUBLY mortified.  He usually begs to be Tweeted about. I didn't realize he wanted to approve the Tweets about him first.  Little freakin' diva.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


Okay, so. TWH and I go into Walgreen's to get me some more allergy medicine (because we live in South LA and I'm allergic to everything).  I had wandered down the paper goods aisle to see if they had some cutesy Christmas Ziploc bags when I looked up and over a couple of aisles. THEN I SAW IT.  The object I had been coveting in other people's windows for YEARS.  The Leg Lamp.  Now in all honestly, I first saw this little 20 inch tall version and as I was gasping and pointing, I looked to the right and saw the Leg Lamp Motherlode!!  3 feet of beautiful, fishnet clad, stiletto wearing, leg shaped beauty.  I run over to the aisle in awe and wonderment telling TWH "I NEED IT".  TWH looked around for one that was not on display, doesn't see a box and declares "Well, that's the only one. I guess you don't need it after all".  I had other ideas. That lamp was going home with me, dammit.  The following are the conversations between me, TWH, the poor employee I roped into my quest, and (I think) the store manager:

Me: They have the DISPLAY ONE. I can buy THAT ONE!!
TWH: They won't sell you that.
Me: The hell they won't.

At this point, I walk over to a checkout counter where I wait (im) patiently for the elderly woman in front of me to finish her transaction. When she (finally) leaves, I walk up to the counter.

Me: I need that leg lamp. The BIG ONE!!  I NEED IT!!
Now, at this point, I'm shaking like a small dog who needs to be sedated.
Checker Guy: (Laughs-maybe nervously) Okay, let me see if I can find a box for you and get it down

He wanders (runs) off to the back while I go to stand guard over my lamp because at this point some guy who can't REALLY love this lamp the way I can is eyeballing it and I had to go run him off.

TWH: Is there even a price tag for it. (Looks around) Oh my GOD!! The LITTLE one is 30 DOLLARS??  How much is the big one gonna cost??
TWH: We're taking this home no matter how much it costs aren't we??
Me: Duh

Checker Guy comes back with a ladder. He climbs up to the top shelf where my lamp lives. He unplugs it and climbs down.  I show great self-restraint by not snatching it from him, clutching it to my chest, and whispering "My Precious" while stroking it lovingly.

Checker Guy: It doesn't have a price tag OR a box but since it's a display item, we can probably give you a discount.
Me: (To TWH) See, we're getting a discount.

We go to the photo counter with Checker Guy. He looks it up, than names a 3 digit price that makes TWH sigh in resignation as he swipes the card. I am doing a happy dance and giggling like a maniac. I just won the Christmas Decoration Lottery!!  The store manager comes out and actually CONGRATULATES me on my purchase.

Manager Lady: Congratulations!!  I'm glad to know it's going to a good home. Take care of it, it's a Major Award and it's Fragilay!!
Me: Thank you!!  I love it so much!! I will take EXCELLENT care of it!!

I take my prize out to the car and lovingly place it where I know it will survive the ride home.

TWH: I'm not even gonna go online and find out how much less I could've gotten this for. I can't believe we paid for this thing.
Me: It's a gift from the Universe!!  And you didn't pay that much for the Leg Lamp. You paid that much for my JOY!! Look at the JOY!!!
TWH: We overpaid. It's times like this I actually miss being poor. Merry Effin' Christmas.

We drove home and I put my Major Award in my living room. Sadly, unless I move the tree, I have no window to display it in. Next year though, I'm finding it a window. Maybe I can re-arrange TB's room...

My Lamp in the store.

How could anyone NOT see the JOY here??

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Octogenarian Athlete

Okay, so.  Yesterday while TWH & I were in Starcrack's, we encountered the Octogenarian Athlete.  He passed by us as we waited for our coffees. I caught sight of him out of the corner of my eye and commented to TWH "Man, that's a LOT of spandex".  We got our coffees and were preparing to leave when it happened. I got a full frontal of the O.A.  Now, he wasn't wearing JUST spandex. He was wearing spandex that HAD to be at least two sizes TOO SMALL.  I was rendered speechless. SPEECHLESS!!  Me: *squeak*    TWH: Go baby. He's holding to door for us.  Me: *squeak*  TWH:  I know.  We get in the car and I look at TWH and exclaim: Oh my GAWD!!!  I can't un-see THAT!!!  That was MY Nightmare Before Christmas!!  So, in honor of the awfulness of it all, I have decided to write the O.A. a letter...

Dear Octogenarian Athlete,

While I applaud your obvious commitment to exercise and health, I can NOT overlook the fact that you obviously picked up your Granddaughter's spandex tights this morning as you were dressing for your day.  The image of your junk as you were (Bafflingly) willing to present it to the world snugged in spandex in fine detail.  I should never be able to determine if you, or any other male for that matter, are a "Grow-er" or a "Show-er" when you are fully dressed. Please, PLEASE for the love of all that is Good and Holy invest in a pair of shorts!! That way others can be spared the pain of having the image of your genitals seared into their brains the way they are into mine. Do it for the children, if nothing else.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

This Was NOT On My List

Okay, so.  TWH and I recently celebrated out 11th wedding anniversary (the weekend I thought I was gonna die) and I asked for another Dawg.  Beacuse I have lost my damn mind.  And I thought the Crackhaid Dawg could use the company.  And I have lost my damn mind.  Saturday, we went to a local rescue place and our search began.  In true OCD style, I had a list.  I wanted a dog who was housebroken, about the same size as the CD, and around the same age, that didn't shed much.  I got a tiny, 8 month old, NON-housebroken puppy. This was SO not on my list!!  I guess I got what I needed, not what I wanted.  He damn sure needed me.
 This is Tigger with a crackstick

 Tigger & Bentley on TWH's chair

 Tigger the day we brought him home. Lookit that face!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Pants Rule

Okay, so.  Last night I get TB's laundry from his room so he can clean school pants for today. I begin sorting his clothes when I notice that in addition to the school uniforms (3) he only has 2 shirts and 3 pairs of shorts in the laundry. I know for a FACT that he wore 2 of the shorts weekend before last and the other shorts last Wednesday when we tried to go to north Louisiana. He was home for a week people. SEVEN DAYS. This means he spent an entire week in his underpants. Clean underpants (we made him bathe) but underpants nonetheless. I'm considering instating a Pants Rule. If you're out of bed, you WILL be wearing pants. This way, maybe he'll at least take the dog out...  Little lazyass...


The Pants Rule was hit or miss until a few weeks ago. I was fussing at TB AGAIN about not wearing pants.  He finally asked in exasperation "WHY are you so worried about whether or not I'm wearing PANTS?!?!"

So I told him.

"Because when you're wearing just your boxers and you sit a certain way, I can see your ball sac.  It looks kinda like that naked mole rat offa Kim Possible and quite honestly, it freaks me the hell out.  Does that answer your question??"

Both he AND TWH were just staring at me like I'd grown a second head.

TB wears pants ALL the time now though.

Win for me!!

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Drawback to the Drawstring

Okay, so. Since I was home for the last four days with uninterrupted lounging time, I spent A LOT of time in my pajama pants & sweats. I have one pair of sweats, in particular, that I have had for years and has the trickiest drawstring EVER. I have to tie them because they were an immediate post-preggers purchase after TB (who is 2 months shy of 13) was born.  Now, I'm lounging around after getting the house all Christmasified enjoying both the roaring fire and my coffee when nature called. And I ignored it. I was comfy, what??  About 15 minutes later, the call is no longer avoidable so I haul my ass off the sofa and head to the loo. Only to be thwarted my my drawstring on my 13 year old pair of sweatpants. That motherfucking thing tied itself into about fifteen MILLION knots while I was just sitting on my ass doing nothing. NOW I'm standing in the bathroom, doing the pee-pee dance while struggling with the knots on my sweatpants. Oh dear God in Heaven!!  How many more knots are there??  I'm circling like the Crackhaid Dawg while he chases his tail yelling "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh" and yanking at my waistband in a futile attempt to yank them down. Finally, FINALLY, the last knot gives and I can get some relief. Now, will these pants get thrown out?? Not likely. Will I remove the offending drawstring?? Nope, I need it to keep my pants up. Will I get off my ass sooner??  I just might. Will there be a repeat of this incident??  The possibility is high. What can I say?? These pants are just getting broken in good!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Decorating for Christmas

Okay, so. Now that I have decided I am indeed gonna live after the stomach virus I had played havoc with my insides, I have started decorating for Christmas. Typically, I do this in a day-and-a-half marathon of unpacking bins from the attic, throwing the decorations up, packing the bins back up, and getting them back into the attic. I just can't stand the clutter of all the bins piled up in the living room, dining room, and kitchen. It drives me batshit crazy. This year, it's gonna take me the better part of the weekend. We got bins down yesterday & I decorated the mantle & put up some other piddly stuff. Today I got down to business. I put up my Rudolph Christmas Village. This is a major production here since it covers two tables and ALL of the tops of my kitchen cabinets. This involves many trips up & down a stepladder & walking on my counter tops. (Yes, I clean the hell out of them after) Whenever I embark on anything that might be even remotely dangerous or injury causing, TWH always offers these words of comfort & support: "Woman, don't you dare fall/hurt yourself. If you do, I'm gonna be PISSED. If I have to go sit with your ass in the ER for all day, I'm gonna be DOUBLE PISSED!!"  I love how he's always so concerned with my well-being. It's truly touching.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving ..... Tomorrow.

Okay, so.  We did not have Thanksgiving today. As I type this, TWH & TB are in the kitchen cutting up cheese & sausage for dinner while our last-minute Thanksgiving dinner sits uncooked in the fridge & pantry.  It's a last-minute dinner because we hadn't even planned on being here. We were supposed to be in North Louisiana with my in-laws and working out how to see my bestie from high school while she was in town. What we ended up doing was turning around & coming home because I got sick. (Just another perk of working with the public folks.)  I didn't just get sick, I got Omigod-this-would-be-the-best-diet-ever-if-I-didn't-think-I-was-gonna-die kind of sick. Yep, I get to have all the fun!!  Sooooooooooooo, Thanksgiving will be tomorrow. We will cook our Turkey breast, make the dressing, and have pie TOMORROW.  After we decorate the house for Christmas.  For now, I will be thankful that I feel like I'm gonna live, that TWH & TB took such wonderful care of me, and that I'm now 5 pounds lighter. Jump start on my diet y'all!!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dawg Cooties

Okay so. I came home from work and the Crackhaid Dawg is winking at me. Or scowling at me. Or pretending to be a pirate. No, wait, his fucking eye is swollen shut. Mostly. I think the Crackhaid Dawg has some sort of nasty puppy conjunctivitis. I decided to try and treat it myself by putting him in a headlock and squeezing eyedrops in his eye in case he just had something just stuck in there. 10 minutes later and I'm covered in eyedrops and Dawg hair and the Dawg is PISSED. Go figure. Now I'm just petting him and rubbing my hands down with Germ-x after just in case his puppy cooties are contagious to me too. Tomorrow I'm taking him to the vet. Maybe he'll get a cool eye patch. Until tomorrow, he's just gonna hafta have squinchy face.  Poor lil' Dawg!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

You Left it There...

Okay, so. I pull up to work Saturday and the little boutique next us has parked this big assed Airstream trailer in the parking lot. This thing is easily 30 feet long and covered with their store name and designs. And dirt. Lots of dirt.  It's been there all week and I now have the urge to play with it. Now, while I would never enter this thing or abuse it in any way, I WOULD incorporate it into the first ever Troy's Barber Shop Christmas Card.  Picture this: Troy dressed as Cousin Eddie in the Christmas Eve scene from Christmas Vacation with the caption "Merry Christmas....  Shitter's full!!"  TWH suggested we both stand in front of it wearing those old fashioned red underwear.  I just think we should incorporate every trailer trash stereotype EVER.  Beehive hair, Peggy Bundy type clothing, a wifebeater, ugly pants, shitty lawn chairs and empty beer cans everywhere. Oh!! And pink flamingos!! I think that just SCREAMS Christmas- Barber Shop style!!  I say if you're gonna leave it just lying around, I'm gonna play with it...  We're gonna have to photoshop out all their marketing stuff though. It just doesn't suit my "Vision".

Okay, the picture is crappy because I have no idea how to copy pictures from my phone but you get the  idea


Monday, November 14, 2011

I Don't Need to Know.

Okay, so.  I realize Facebook is a place for people to connect, or reconnect, or whatever but some of the shit folks share on here is absolutely appalling. For example, I, along with all the other super-lucky folks on their friends lists, got to watch a marriage implode. There were daily relationship status changes, pissy video postings, cryptic status updates that meant nothing to anyone but their soon-to-be- former spouse. I don't even feel bad writing about it because it's all there, in black and white, for the whole world to see.  (Side note: Going from "In a relationship" or "Married" to "It's complicated" is for assholes and wussies. Just nut up and say you're single already.) I've also seen someone else blow another person's business all over their page. Really??  I don't need to know this shit!!  P.S. What kind of friend does that make YOU that they tell you their tale of woe in confidence and YOU post it all over their page??  Feel better about your own life now??  I know it sounds like I'm bitching about FB as a whole. I'm not, really. I love FB. I'm as big a FB junkie as the next person. I will probably get "Un-friended" by the folks who see this and don't appreciate my commentary. Oh. No. Wait. Come back...  Whatever.  I view that kind of like I viewed those crazy bitches on Springer who would go on National Television, air ALL their nasty business, then start screaming "You don't know me!!  Why you all up in MY business anyways?!?!".  Ummmmm... because you put it out there for me to comment on maybe??  I'm just guessing here...  I have been making GREAT use of the "Hide" button on my newsfeed. Maybe once all the  Wussies & whiners dump me, my news feed won't be so fucking depressing.  BONUS!!

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Okay, so. As most of you know, TWH & I have been working feverishly on the outside of our house while the nice weather holds out.  This has required MANY a trip to the home store.  A few weeks ago, I noticed they were starting to put their Christmas stuff out. Where I would usually roll my eyes and mutter huffily about "At least getting Thanksgiving out of the way for fuck's sake" I actually jumped at the opportunity to peruse their light & lawn decor offerings. See, a couple of years ago, TWH decided to throw out all our old lights in favor of new LED lights. He explained that they would last longer, were harder to break, and would cost about 1/4 the money to run. That last part translated as "You can buy twice as many new lights and still save money". Total win!!  Last year, when the lights first got put out in the stores, I suggested we buy some. My suggestion was met with derision and the purchase was delayed. Fast forward to the weekend after Thanksgiving. We're decorating the outside of the house. We don't have enough lights. We go to the home store. They have NOTHING. Apparently, everyone else in the world decided to go LED too. Only they had the foresight to go ahead and buy their shit. 4 stores later, and we left empty handed to make do with what we had. Not this year by God!! This year I started on this shit as soon as they put it out. I made a reconnaissance lap to see just what they had then the buying frenzy began!!  I walked away with several (5) hundred lights, lighted garland for our (just today completed) porch railing, new lighted stake-in-the-yard decorations, and a giant tub of 100 shatter proof ornaments. For the lighted garland on the porch. So it's not just plain green during the day. Duh. Before you ask, YES I want my house to look like the Griswold house.  Just last year, I had the pizza delivery guy call me and ask where my house was in relation to "The house with all the lights everywhere". I was elated.  I am planning just where everything will go.      Already.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I'm Amazed

Okay so. I don't brag about my kids on here much. I don't brag about my kids nearly enough. I don't want to be THAT MOM. Having said that, I'm amazed at their artistic talents.  Miss A is 15 and her talents fall into the visual arts. She can draw. She can work with colored paper & make pictures (I have no idea what that's called) and she can even make art with FOOD.  Here's a sample of my beautiful girl's work:


It's different colored tissue paper and maybe some construction paper. It went up immediately in my bedroom so I can see it every morning. I also have a massive collection of things drawn by Miss A in a box. There's just not enough wall space...

TB is 12 and has his own talents. He can draw a little but his gift lies in his words. He is a storyteller, and obviously, a poet. Here's something he did for a school assignment:

Attachment The poem is entitled "I Am From"

I am from the cassette player with my hand inside of it
the soft fur of my stuffed monkey
and the slight feeling of claustrophobia in my pillow fort
From wiffle ball in the backyard
I am from my first bike, the unexpected meeting with the ground on my first turn
From scars made by my cousins steel toed boots
I am from crepe myrtle and the stab of stickers in my bare feet
and the sweet nectar of honeysuckle
I am from the occasional trip to Minden
to visit Grandma and Grandpa
I am from hot bacon and boudin
and the steaming taste of melted chocolate in waffles
I am from "No No" and "Catch"
I am from "T is for tookie and tookie is for me"
and "I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids"
I am from the little red locker on top of my dresser that holds all my trinkets
I am from the south, the Gulf, the Mississippi River, and the tallest state capitol
I am from home

I am so lucky to be the caretaker of these two Smart, Funny, Wise, Beautiful children.  I almost never feel worthy.  They love me anyway.

I. Am. Amazed.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Okay, so.  TWH & I went to the blood drive at TB's school tonight.  We get there and (thankfully) there was almost NO line. We waited for a few minutes then went back to answer all the standard questions before getting our blood taken. Now, as I'm sitting there within earshot of TWH, and the nice nurse lady is asking me all the prostitute & bisexual partner questions, all I could think about was "I wonder how many folks answer these questions with a 'Yes' where their spouse can hear them then get the ever loving shit beaten out of them??" Then came the thought "I bet it would be straight-up Jerry Springer in this cafeteria if that happened. then they would shut the cafeteria down until the crime scene clean up was done & I'd have to make TB a lunch every day. THAT would suck because he hates sandwiches."  Anyways, I answered all the questions and sat down next to TWH to get my arm poked & my blood sucked out.  We opted to give just red blood cells instead of whole blood. (I say WE. What I mean is, I yelled over to TWH "Are you doing that??" and he said "Yes" so I did it too.) I learned three things about giving red blood cells:

1) It takes approximately FOREVER to give red blood cells. They separate your red blood cells from your plasma then give you your plasma BACK. This takes time. They said ten minutes more. Ten. Minutes. My. Ass.

2) When they give you your plasma back, it's room temperature. Around here (South Louisiana, Hell Adjacent) room temperature is 70-75 degrees. Or less. Considerably LESS than your average body temperature. You. Will. Freeze.  By the time I was done, my teeth were chattering so hard, I was afraid I was going to crack one.

3) For the love of God, EAT SOMETHING. This should go without saying, but I forgot I was donating blood and I just ate a salad for lunch. I remembered to stick some cookies in my purse because a friend of ours DID pass out last year. I just refused to eat them because I was afraid I'd ruin my dinner. The drive-thru, no veggies anywhere, fried chicken strips & fries dinner. I don't know what in the hell I was thinking. Anyways, I look at TWH about halfway through my bloodletting and say "My face feels funny" which is a sign of great distress in our house. (It's a TB-ism that resulted in an ambulance ride to the ER & another story). TWH called the nurse lady who reclined me and brought me peanut butter crackers and an ice pack.  I ate the pb crackers, which did NOT ruin my dinner, and felt infinitely better.  I finished and TWH escorted me to the car so we could go home.  I walked all the way to the car on my own two feet and didn't so much as trip. However, I was so fuzzy headed that this post took two tries to write

No good deed goes unpunished.

P.S. I know I should be writing about Flat Gwenyth and our trip to Montana but I have a GAZILLION pictures and absolutely no idea where to start. I'll get there, just not right now.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I've Been Slacking...

Okay, so. This is gonna be really short because the LSU-Bama game is about to start and since I bleed Purple & Gold, I have to type fast. I know I've slacked off the last couple of weeks. Last week, we were getting ready to go visit my Mom in Montana. this week I've been recovering from the trip to Montana. I didn't sleep the night before we left OR the night before we came home, so my two main priorities have been sleep and laundry. I promise I will type a longer post ( or couple of posts) about Montana, and the adventures of Flat Gwenyth.  Game's about to start. Gotta run!!!

Monday, October 24, 2011

This Is a Rant

Okay, so. Like the title says, this is a rant. Plain and simple. It may end up being more of a badly punctuated, run-on sentence than usual. Along with the extra usage of the word "Fuck".  I'm just telling ya up front. Here we go....

Okay, so. Remember a few months ago, I tweeted and/or Facebooked about how the a/c in my Jeep (Miss Scarlett) went out and how that was REALLY a big deal because I live in South Louisiana and we're Hell Adjacent and it's hot-as-balls here starting anywhere from March to June and continuing through about Christmas??  Well, I took Miss Scarlett in to the dealership to have the a/c repaired. They kept her for nearly a week than let me ransom her out for a mere $1600.  I got her home and discovered that they'd not put the dash back correctly, there were some wires preventing me from opening the glove compartment all the way and there was a strange rattling coming from under the steering column.  On top of that (and this moved me to TEARS), they either lost or stole a little gold angel that my Miss Amber had found out on the playground and given me when she was about three. I have driven with it in my car ever since and considered it my lucky charm. Those bastards.  Anyways, I had my windshield replaced and the glass guy was sweet enough to pop my dash back together. It probably took all of about 30 seconds. 30 seconds the dealership obviously couldn't spare.  Fast forward a few months to our first cool morning. I discover my heater doesn't work. Now, while we're Hell-Adjacent, when it gets cold, it gets COLD!!  I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that it's 800% humidity all the time, every damn day.  Needless to say, heater is GOOD.  So, we take Miss Scarlett do a different dealership this time and give them a list of the things we'd like them to check out.  We left them TWH's cell number and went on out merry way.  This afternoon, TWH calls me to tell me the dealership had called with their findings. He began with "Oh my fucking GOD!!". If you know TWH, this is SO not a good sign. Than he proceeds to tell me everything the actual Jeep dealership had found. #1: The wires around the glove compartment had clips and belonged nowhere near the glove compartment. #2: There are two thingys that make the heater work. Those dickheads didn't even bother to connect one and BROKE the other one. Nice. #3: (And this is the biggie) The rattling from under my steering column was a loose (as in unplugged) wire that went to something AND THE CLAMP THAT HELD MY STEERING WHEEL TO THE STEERING COLUMN. Yep, Those lazy, incompetent, rotten fucking sons of bitches put my fucking steering column back together so poorly that the STEERING WHEEL could have COME OFF IN MY HANDS WHILE I WAS DRIVING.  This pisses me off more than I can even begin to put into words. Not just the incompetence but the fact that their incompetence put my family and me in danger.  Jesus God in Heaven. My Jeep is a 4 wheel drive and has a high-roll risk if I lose control for any reason. Like say, the steering column fell the fuck apart while I was whizzing down the interstate taking my daughter back to her Dad in Mississippi. Or taking TB to a soccer game. Or while TWH was using it to go get doughnuts on a Sunday morning.  And now I am so horrified and pissed off that I'm fucking crying like a baby. Shit.  The sad part is that other than taking Miss Scarlett to a dealership whose employees actually have a clue about what they're doing and typing this rant, it's been long enough that I can't even really go to the dealership I took my car to in the first place with my grievance and it have any merit. There will be no compensation.  I will take solace in the fact that things were caught in time to prevent any injury or (God Forbid) loss of life and I will never, ever, EVER go back to that dealership again. I can do that. And I can hope that one day I'll get the opportunity to tell them all to Eat Shit And DIE. I'm not much of a grudge holder. Mainly because it looks like a lot of work and I'm basically lazy but this... THIS I can hold on to for awhile. Maybe not forever, but at least until my stomach stops hurting at the thought of what could have been.  Is it possible to be pissed off and thankful at the same time??  Looks like I'm gonna find out...

Rant update. I took my car to a certified Jeep dealership this time around.  They met me at my car with a clipboard and took notes about EVERY concern I had.  They called TWH in a timely fashion without us having to call them at 4:30 asking questions. They fixed EVERYTHING they found and documented what they needed to repair AND what they did to fix it.  They charged us a reasonable fee and had my car ready by Tuesday afternoon.  Miss Scarlett is mine again and she runs beautifully.  Next week, I'm going to take the paperwork from the Jeep dealership to the dealership that did the "work" before and have them pull their records. We are going to compare notes and I am going to explain to them why they will never see another penny in business from us. I may even work in "Eat  Shit and DIE". We'll see. If they won't discuss things with me, then I'm going to start at the BBB and go from there.  Thanks so much for your concern & suggestions. You guys ROCK!!!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood...

Okay, so. If you follow me on Twitter or FB (pretty much ALL of you), then you know I've started a new photo series titled Scenes From Tha Redneckhood.  So far, I've captured a football goal in someone's backyard, and a horse eating grass in someone's front yard. This is in MY ACTUAL NEIGHBORHOOD PEOPLE!!  What I have yet to be able to capture is the Sanford & Son folks just up the block, the little nekkid children playing in a ditch unsupervised, or the folks who ride up & down the street on a little pink Vespa with a toddler in their lap. As I type this, I am listening to the offensively loud bass of the music coming from the people who live behind me.  They are apparently allowing their teenagers to have a party. Complete with a bonfire. Did I mention this bonfire is right next to a TRAILER??  Which will go up like kindling.  AND there are trampolines!!  Yep. The stupidity hat trick.  TWH & I have money on how long it will be until the sheriff/fire department/EMS will show up.  These are the people in MY neighborhood...

Monday, October 17, 2011

How I Spent My Monday

Okay, so. If you've been paying any attention at all, you know TWH & I are in the middle of a DIY frenzy.  Right now, we're focusing on outside projects because we live in South Louisiana and there is a very limited amount of time you can work outside without feeling like you're gonna die. Or it's raining. We spent yesterday working on re-doing our flowerbeds. We got two bordered and have one to go. This is how I spent my day.
First: Took the Crackhaid Dawg to the groomers.

image attachment preview

Then went to the home store to buy some stones for the last flowerbed.
image attachment preview

Now, I had to search for awhile to find the right pattern. Because there are TWO different patterns and I only wanted the one. There were about a gajillion bricks to go through to get my paltry twelve. I got them though.
image attachment preview

Then, I came home, unloaded the bricks, and decided to prime the railings we're going to put on the front porch.  First, I had to go into our long, narrow storeroom.
image attachment preview
Which holds most of THIS DIY hoard.
image attachment preview
So I could get the painting supplies bin off the shelf & out of the storeroom.
image attachment preview
Dig the primer out from behind all the stuff in front of it & off the bottom shelf.
image attachment preview
And after 10-15 minutes of sweating & swearing, SUCCESS!!
image attachment preview
Yep. The results of my hard work. I did all this, for this...
image attachment preview
And THESE...
image attachment preview
And after several hours, ( all mother fucking day), I had THESE.
image attachment preview
These are just primered but this weekend TWH can use the power-sprayer to finish them off. Then we can get them on the house. Yay!!  Of course, as I'm typing this, I realize I missed a couple of things but they're gonna be SUPER easy. These railings were tedious because I had to paint all four sides of the stiles and the top & bottom support pieces. The best part of all this is, when Christmas comes around & I'm putting lights, ribbon, & garland on the front of the house in my never-ending attempt to Griswold the place up, I can decorate the railings too!!  Woo-hoo!!

And THAT is how I spent my Monday.