Springtime

Ah, yes. Springtime. When the days are longer. I can play in the flowerbeds when I get home. I listen to children riding their bikes & neighbors mowing their lawns before dinner.
And the drunken bitch down the street screaming profanity at her children.
I love springtime.

Holy Hell!! WTF?!?! OWWWWWWW!!!!

Okay, so.  Twh & I went to Lowes yesterday to pick up drywall for our bathroom project. We're turning the tiny shower we used to have in our bathroom into a linen closet.  We were on our way home when TWH looks up at the sky and says "It's a really nice day out." I reply with "I know. It's almost a shame we have to spend it all inside putting up drywall."   Now, you'll remember, back in the fall I pulled everything out of the flowerbeds and reshaped them so we could create a stone border around them.  We decided we would go home, unload the drywall & stuff then go to the nursery and pick out some plants for the flowerbeds.   I blissfully roamed the aisles of the plant nursery picking out whatever struck my fancy until the cart was totally full.  We came home, unloaded the plants & cleaned up the yard and I placed the plants around the flowerbeds.  I got them arranged to my liking and left them until today.

Today I planted.  Alone. In peace. Except for the 30 or so minutes the neighbors spent screaming obscenities at one another while trying to hook a trailer to their truck. Remember, I live in Tha Redneckhood.  It took me the better part of 5 hours.  I bought A LOT of plants.

Now I hurt. I hurt in places I didn't even know I HAD. Holy Hell!!  I'm too old for this shit. I'm also too cheap to hire a gardener.

I'm spending NEXT Monday getting a massage. It seems fair.

These Are the People in Your Neighborhood...

Okay, so. If you follow me on Twitter or FB (pretty much ALL of you), then you know I've started a new photo series titled Scenes From Tha Redneckhood.  So far, I've captured a football goal in someone's backyard, and a horse eating grass in someone's front yard. This is in MY ACTUAL NEIGHBORHOOD PEOPLE!!  What I have yet to be able to capture is the Sanford & Son folks just up the block, the little nekkid children playing in a ditch unsupervised, or the folks who ride up & down the street on a little pink Vespa with a toddler in their lap. As I type this, I am listening to the offensively loud bass of the music coming from the people who live behind me.  They are apparently allowing their teenagers to have a party. Complete with a bonfire. Did I mention this bonfire is right next to a TRAILER??  Which will go up like kindling.  AND there are trampolines!!  Yep. The stupidity hat trick.  TWH & I have money on how long it will be until the sheriff/fire department/EMS will show up.  These are the people in MY neighborhood...

There's Shit EVERYWHERE!!

Okay, so. As I've mentioned before, we're kinda rural where I live. Along with the crazed bus driver who comes through whenever the hell she likes, we are also the dumping ground for other people's unwanted pets. Pretty much everyone in my neighborhood has adopted an unwanted, abandoned dog or cat.That isn't to say that they have all decided to keep them inside or on a leash. Oh NO. Most of them run rampant through the neighborhood sleeping in flowerbeds, on/under cars, on other people's porches, and shitting wherever they please. I can't tell you how many GIANT dog bombs I've come across while trotting the Crackhaid Dawg around the yard waiting for him to do his (tiny Dawg) "bidness".  As I was coming up the driveway after our latest outing I looked under the carport and up the driveway and there was shit EVERYWHERE!!  The worst thing about this is that I know I can do nothing about it except clean it up and hope I can catch at least one of the four legged miscreants at it later so I can hopefully scare him off. That, or just start letting my Dawg make deposits in as many of the neighbor's yards as possible as a petty form of retaliation.

I Told You...

Okay, so.  We're kinda rural where I live so The Boy takes the bus to school every day.  The following is what happened THIS particular morning.

Me: (To TB) Hey, you need to get your shoes on & get ready to go outside & wait for the bus.
TB: It's only 7:08.  The bus doesn't come until 7:30.  I still have, like, 10 whole minutes.
Me: Get your shoes on anyways.  It's gonna take you until 7:15 to do that. (He's kind of a slow-poke)

7:12 I hear a bus come by our house with a blue pickup truck riding it's ass & honking like nobody's business

Me: Son, I think that's your bus
TB: Does it have *particular number* on it??
Me: Yeah, you can catch it on it's second pass.  Oh, wait you can probably catch it now while the woman in the blue truck that's parked behind it is cussing out the bus driver. You might wanna hurry though, it looks like she's winding down (Yes, we live in the rural South, in a Parish known for two things: Meth & TEEF, & people WILL pull the bus over to cuss out the driver.  We live in a City with less Meth & TEEF & more good schools BTW)

TB takes off across the front yard & gets to the bus JUST AS IT'S BEGINNING TO PULL AWAY.  So he's now RUNNING ALONGSIDE the bus and blue truck lady is yelling & cussing all over again until the bus driver noticed my Darling Boy Child and stopped, AGAIN, to let him on.

Guess what phrase he's gonna hear when he gets home this afternoon??  You bet your ass!!  I'm petty like that...