DIY Meltdown

Okay, so.  We want to sell our house.  In order to sell our house, we need to do some updating.  The key word there being WE.  Not "We need to HAVE some updating done".  "WE need to do some updating".  You see the distinction??

We redid the counter tops in the kitchen. In order to take off the Formica counter tops, we had to take down the upper cabinets because the folks who did the kitchen originally thought Formica would make an AWESOME back-splash and when they were done, they mounted the cabinets over the Formica. They also mounted the cabinets off center for the openings for the stove and refrigerator. So they had to come down anyway.

Cabinets & counter tops GONE

I now have boxes of dishes, cabinets, cabinet doors and everything off the counter tops taking over my dining room & living room.  I just got done cleaning AROUND the piles because the Dawgs still shed like crazy and we still track stuff in the house.

My DIY mess & the Crackhaid Dawg

Yes, this IS in front of my fireplace. On TOP of a newly painted cabinet.

I am about to lose my shit.  I can't really, because this was pretty much all my idea, but still...
AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

My bedroom is nice and neat.  Maybe I'll just hide out in there for the next few weeks...

Is it wrong to hope (not really) that a tree falls on my house during the hurricane??  At least THEN all this would be someone else's problem.

I have to go move some boxes now.  I just spotted a small fur drift I need to vacuum up.

I Get the Giggles

Okay, so.  I am not athletic. Every attempt at sports I have tried over the last decade or so has landed me in the ER with some God-awful injury or other.  I am also not a whiner.  I am, however, the happiest ER patient you will ever, EVER meet.  I am a giggler.

I will enter the ER/Dr's office making quips & jokes about EVERYTHING and laughing at my own funny.  Poor TWH has had to explain to any number of Physicians & staff that I am NOT high, nor did I recieve any type of head injury.  That is my coping skill. I laugh.  I laugh because for some reason, it never occurs to me to cry.

I tell you this as a lead in to THIS.

My mutha-flippin' big toenail is about to come off.  It has become a sacrifice to the renovation Gods.  I have NO idea when I actually broke the toenail. I noticed it last Saturday when I got out of the shower.  I was applying lotion when I noticed something was "Off" about my big toe. I bent over for a closer look and noticed it was crooked so I pushed on it.

It. Moved.

I absolutely lost my shit.  I started yelling for TWH who came running into the bedroom to find me giggling and babbling about my toenail.

(Side note: This is # 3 on the List of Things That Will Freak Me the Hell Out. #1: Spiders  #2: My own blood  #3: Partial/Whole loss of a toenail/fingernail.)

TWH has me get on the bed so he can look.  I lay down with a pillow over my head giggling hysterically and trying to be at least 6 inches taller than I actually am so as to put MORE distance between my head & my foot.  It was awful.

T wanted a look too so yesterday I took off the THREE Band-Aids that are holding my toenail on & showed him.

Oh. My. GAWD!!  He was fascinated with that shit!!  He kept trying to fiddle with it until I was SCREAMING with hysterical laughter, sweating, & shaking.

It wasn't pretty.

Now I'm afraid the nail has FINALLY come all the way off.  I think the Band-Aids are ALL that's holding it on.  I'm terrified of taking the Band-Aids off.  Leaving them on until the sticky just gives out is okay right??

RIGHT!?!

I may have to be sedated.

DIY MIA

Okay, so. I decided this past weekend would be a good weekend to knock out a couple of small household renovations. Y'know, like yanking out a counter top and replacing it with tile, installing new sinks, faucets, & light fixture, along with repainting & installing shelving in two closets.

We spent the entire weekend either at the home store, outside cutting tile or getting tools & supplies out of the storeroom, locked in our bathroom, or in a closet. Every time we opened a door, the Dawgs were standing there looking at us with reproach & giving us The Guilt.  We had to keep them out mostly to keep Tigger from eating EVERYDAMNTHING. I swear that Dawg is part garbage disposal.

I began Saturday bright eyed & raring to go. Sunday I started off slow but got into the zone. By yesterday my enthusiasm was beginning to wane. By 9PM last night, while TWH was still fiddling with the plumbing for the sinks, I was almost in tears. I was tired, I was sweaty, & I was D.O.N.E.  I was about two minutes away from screaming "I don't give a shit if the fucking pipe fits!! We can get the right piece TOMORROW!! I just wanna get a shower & GO. TO. BED!!".  I managed to say that with far fewer swears & through gritted teeth.

I did learn a few things though. Yelling will ALWAYS make shit worse.  Gulping iced coffee is second only to mainlining caffeine for a buzz. A splinter under your fingernail hurts like hell, and TWH & I make one hell of a team.

We also make Awesomeness like THIS:

Yep. Worth it!!

You Wanna Do WHAT With My Chicken?!?!

Okay, so. We have been dilligently working on our house. We're hoping to have it ready to put on the market by the end of the year.
I'm out last night watering the flowerbeds when TWH strolls up to keep me company. I get to the bed where Gwenyth lives and was watering away when TWH asks "So what are you gonna do with your chicken when we put the house on the market??"
WHAAAAAAAAAAATT???
Me: I'm planning on leaving her right where she is. Why??
TWH: Are you sure that's a good idea?? She's not... Exactly for EVERYONE.
Me: Are you saying people won't like Gwenyth?? How could they NOT like Gwenyth?? She's full of  Awesome!!  And Whimsy. Awesome Whimsy!! THAT'S what she's full of!!
TWH: Baby, she's full of something, but I don't think it's what YOU think she's full of.

I guaran-damn-tee you that when the house goes up for sale, Gwenyth will be in charge of holding the "For Sale" sign.
Mark my words.

The Sweat of Our Brows

Okay, so.  Back in the fall, we started doing some work to the outside of our house. We re-did the flowerbeds and added a railing to the front porch. Here are the results.

          The Results of Our Work

                     Left Flowerbed & Railing

                 Right Flowerbed (& Tigger)

                   Iris Bed

                They're Blooming!!

         Gwenyth Gets Her Own Bed (& Irises)


The house was painted last year(by TWH, of course!!). It was BLAH white. I thought we could do better.
All this DIY stuff is work. It's HARD work. I have to say, I LOVE the results!!

Holy Hell!! WTF?!?! OWWWWWWW!!!!

Okay, so.  Twh & I went to Lowes yesterday to pick up drywall for our bathroom project. We're turning the tiny shower we used to have in our bathroom into a linen closet.  We were on our way home when TWH looks up at the sky and says "It's a really nice day out." I reply with "I know. It's almost a shame we have to spend it all inside putting up drywall."   Now, you'll remember, back in the fall I pulled everything out of the flowerbeds and reshaped them so we could create a stone border around them.  We decided we would go home, unload the drywall & stuff then go to the nursery and pick out some plants for the flowerbeds.   I blissfully roamed the aisles of the plant nursery picking out whatever struck my fancy until the cart was totally full.  We came home, unloaded the plants & cleaned up the yard and I placed the plants around the flowerbeds.  I got them arranged to my liking and left them until today.

Today I planted.  Alone. In peace. Except for the 30 or so minutes the neighbors spent screaming obscenities at one another while trying to hook a trailer to their truck. Remember, I live in Tha Redneckhood.  It took me the better part of 5 hours.  I bought A LOT of plants.

Now I hurt. I hurt in places I didn't even know I HAD. Holy Hell!!  I'm too old for this shit. I'm also too cheap to hire a gardener.

I'm spending NEXT Monday getting a massage. It seems fair.

How I Spent My Monday

Okay, so. If you've been paying any attention at all, you know TWH & I are in the middle of a DIY frenzy.  Right now, we're focusing on outside projects because we live in South Louisiana and there is a very limited amount of time you can work outside without feeling like you're gonna die. Or it's raining. We spent yesterday working on re-doing our flowerbeds. We got two bordered and have one to go. This is how I spent my day.
First: Took the Crackhaid Dawg to the groomers.



Then went to the home store to buy some stones for the last flowerbed.


Now, I had to search for awhile to find the right pattern. Because there are TWO different patterns and I only wanted the one. There were about a gajillion bricks to go through to get my paltry twelve. I got them though.


Then, I came home, unloaded the bricks, and decided to prime the railings we're going to put on the front porch.  First, I had to go into our long, narrow storeroom.

Which holds most of THIS DIY hoard.

So I could get the painting supplies bin off the shelf & out of the storeroom.

Dig the primer out from behind all the stuff in front of it & off the bottom shelf.

And after 10-15 minutes of sweating & swearing, SUCCESS!!

Yep. The results of my hard work. I did all this, for this...

And THESE...

And after several hours, ( all mother fucking day), I had THESE.

These are just primered but this weekend TWH can use the power-sprayer to finish them off. Then we can get them on the house. Yay!!  Of course, as I'm typing this, I realize I missed a couple of things but they're gonna be SUPER easy. These railings were tedious because I had to paint all four sides of the stiles and the top & bottom support pieces. The best part of all this is, when Christmas comes around & I'm putting lights, ribbon, & garland on the front of the house in my never-ending attempt to Griswold the place up, I can decorate the railings too!!  Woo-hoo!!

And THAT is how I spent my Monday.

It's Finished!!

Okay, so. In previous posts, I have talked about the shower TWH is constructing. I have referred to it as "The Project That Would Not End" and most recently, "The God Forsaken Shower". I have tweeted conversations TWH & I have had about it. Most recent being the one from this morning when TWH was bent over working on the God Forsaken Shower. Tonight, I got to USE the God Forsaken Shower!!  Yep, I actually SHOWERED in it!!  It was a beautiful thing!!  We'd been working outside and were grubby, sweaty, smelly, and generally nasty beyond belief. TWH put the shower head on, turned on the water and IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!  I let TWH go first because God knows, if anyone deserves to be first in that damned thing, it was him. He took his shower, then it was my turn. I have to say, there were tears. I was so thrilled & relieved to be showering in my new shower I actually cried. Then I danced around under the water and kept calling TWH into the bathroom to watch me do stuff like shave my legs without having to plant my knee in my chest and contort myself into crazy positions. All the while singing his praises. It's finished!! It's FINISHED!!  IT'S FINISHED!!!  My joy is great!!


The Completed "God Forsaken" Shower.
The site of both laughter & tears this afternoon.

It's a Good Thing You Already Ordered That Handbag

Okay, so.  Last weekend, TWH & I were working on our big assed shower. AGAIN. STILL. I swear to God, this is The Project That Will Not End!! We're so close to finishing it, it's not even funny and we're getting tired. Tempers are getting short. That damned shower is a hairs-breadth away from becoming the Elephant in the Room. That thing you ignore & refuse to talk about it because there are so many hard feelings about it. Anyways, I digress. We're in the shower working and I mention to TWH that some of his grout work is less than stellar in one section of the shower. He paused for a minute then responded with "Okay, I don't know how to say this without sounding like a complete asshole and pissing you off so I'm just gonna say it." (Always a great lead-in.) "It's not like I got a lot of help from YOU on this project". Now, while this statement isn't UNTRUE, per se, it's not exactly TRUE either. I offered to help multiple times and was told "No, I've got it. It's kind of a one-person job anyway". As the project wore on, TWH got a little snarly when I would watch & ask questions so I would flee & just try to stay out of his way.  After his comment I remained silent. I had nothing to say. Out Loud. Where he could HEAR me. In my head, however, I went straight to "You Mother Fucker!!  It's a damned good thing you already ordered that handbag I asked for!!".  See, the night before, I spent an inordinate amount of time scouring ebay for a Coach handbag. In leather. I found one with pink stitching, (PINK STITCHING!!!!!) for what I deemed was a reasonable price (and TWH found only slightly cringe-worthy) and he ordered it for me. That is what saved that man from total annihilation last Saturday while we were sitting in the floor of the God-forsaken shower sweating our asses off.  Of course, I told him what went through my head a couple of days later. He said he never even realized he was in danger.  I should get an Emmy. Or another handbag.

I Volunteered for This...

Okay, so. TWH has been working diligently on our "new" shower. I put the NEW in quotations because, God love TWH, he's already done this giant shower once. We had a jetted tub in our bathroom that did it's job well when we bought the house. I "Ooh'd & Ahh'd" & clapped my hands with glee when we were touring the house and saw the thing. Then I used it for the first time. I ran out of hot water when it was halfway full, and when I turned on the jets, some sort of nasty, oogy, STUFF came out of them because they hadn't been properly maintained. Got everything cleaned up & working properly and tried again to bathe in my new jetted tub. I got it filled, got the jets running, climbed in....and discovered the damn thing was TINY!!  I mean, only-came-up-to-the-bottom-of-my-ribcage TINY!!  What a rip-off!!  Pissed doesn't even begin to cover what I felt at being conned by a bathroom appliance/fixture.  So, I began using our equally tiny, plastic insert, camp-type shower and just dusting the tub weekly. Cursing them both the whole time. (The shower is so tiny, btw, that I have to put my knee in my chest in order to shave my legs).  One day, I'm stepping out of my TINY shower and look over at all the wasted real-estate where my useless tub is and think "We could TOTALLY make that a GIANT SHOWER!!". I called TWH and he said what he always says "If that's what you want Baby, I'll make it happen". (I LOVE that man!!) So the big assed shower was constructed.  We used it happily...until I broke it. I don't mean a little broke either. I mean Wrenched-on-the-shower-head-so-hard-I-broke-a-pipe-in-the-wall-and-flooded-TWH's-closet broke it. Sooooooooo...it had to be redone. Mostly. TWH went to work fixing what I broke and "fixing" things he said needed to be redone anyway.  Now the "New" shower is tiled and grouted. I volunteered for "Haze Removal". Mostly to assuage my guilt over not doing anything else to help this project along. For those you who don't know, haze removal consists of scrubbing the tile until all traces of grout are removed from them so you can seal everything. Not really a big deal. Not really a big job. EXCEPT, I chose a "natural" stone to tile my shower with. This means it has all these little nooks & crannies that are FULL OF GROUT and I have to get that shit out before we seal it or it'll be in there FOREVER. Yeah, that's an easy job...NOT!!  Now I'm in some scrubby work clothes, on my hands & knees in the shower, Cinderella style, scrubbing this tile until my damn arms feel like they're about to fall off!!  I think TWH got the better end of the deal by doing all the other shit.  Maybe I didn't volunteer for this after all. Maybe I was duped...  Sonofabitch!!

Side Note: Twelve MILLION wipe-downs later & the shower is haze-free. I still have to get all the crap outta the nooks & crannies though. That's gonna have to wait until another day when my arms aren't like spaghetti & my back isn't in one GIANT knot.