Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Okay, so. Most days, TWH & I ride into work together. When I pick him up in the afternoons, we exchange the usual pleasantries. Among those is "How was your day??" TWH will usually add "Anything interesting happen today??". My typical answer is "Not really". I'll throw out a tidbit or two but it's never anything truly noteworthy. Let's face it, Not every week is a Chicken Shit Husband kinda week.  Today, however, I had something to tell.

TWH: So, how was your day??  Anything interesting happen??

Me: I almost accidentally said Twat at work today. There was that.

TWH: You almost said WHAT??

Me: Twat.

TWH:  How do you "Accidentally" say that??

Me: A client & I were discussing Game of Thrones & how Sansa seems to have the worst decision making skills in the history of EVER. (SPOILER!!)  Even when she was given the opportunity to leave King's Landing, she chose to stay.  I told him I was all like "You stupid Twaaa...TWIT!!".

TWH: Anybody buy that??

Me: Not really. They've met me.

TWH: Anybody say anything??

Me: No.

TWH: Then they couldn't have been surprised.  I can't believe they'd expect anything less at this point.

Me: Is that Good or Bad

TWH: Yes.

Yes is his go-to blanket answer he gives when he knows there is Potential for Pouting. He will neither deviate from or elaborate on his answer.

I usually end up pouting anyway.  Mostly because somehow, somewhere, in that "Yes" I'm supposed to be mildly insulted.  I think...

I'm a Social Goober

Okay, so. In one week (ONE WEEK!!!!) I will be attending my 3rd Sweet Potato Queen weekend. I'm so excited I can barely STAND it. If It wouldn't be totally stupid, I'd start packing already. This Parade??  THIS is my CHRISTMAS!!  I divide time into years by Parade time. It's the be-all event of the year for me. I freakin' love this shit!!
Having said that, I will admit, this weekend is also a huge challenge for me. Because I'm one of the most socially awkward people you will ever come across.
During Parade weekend I will suck at the following:
1) Meeting new people. I suck at this. Fortunately, I'll have my Wife-in-Law with me and my darling friend Erica. These two do NOT meet a stranger.
2) Making small talk.  I REALLY suck at this. I can carry on a well lubed conversation, no problem. Stand me next to someone and ask me to throw out a series of banal comments in the hope that one of them will spark a conversation?? Won't happen.  I'm incapable of doing this. I will stand uncomfortably and stare longingly at the door waiting for someone better at this to come out and save me from the horror that is small talk.
3) Observing social cues and acting on them. This one I UBER SUCK at. I don't even know where to place the blame for this horrific social failing. Also, due to the fact that I have very few (read: NO) verbal boundaries (once you can get me to talk) events like this are more difficult. And usually more uncomfortable.
With that in mind, I'd like to pre-apologize for any and all uncomfortable pauses brought about by my complete ineptitude at small talk. And those caused by my verbal diarrhea. Both will most likely occur.
Sorry Y'all...

I am an (Accidental) Asshole

Yes, it's true.  I mentioned before that I seem to be missing the filter between my brain & my mouth. That and I just plain old don't pay attention sometimes.  A few years ago, I was hobbling around on crutches shopping with my family. We go into a store and lo and behold I see a bench!!  I plop myself down with a sigh of relief  and hear a voice from my right say "You seem to be having a time of it" to which I respond "Yeah, thankfully though, it isn't anything permanent". I turn to my right and discover the guy I'm talking to is IN A WHEELCHAIR.  Yep, I'm an (Accidental) Asshole AND I'm going to hell to boot.  Well...today, I did it AGAIN.  I have a client who is a slight, tattooed, guy who buses tables at the bar & grill across the street. Super-nice guy. Anyways, he was telling me about some training he's going to do and some really big job changes he's about to make. He's going to Dive School so he can work for an oil rig/platform.  I ask some questions about the school & new job then ask "So, are you going to have the silver on your bottom teeth removed for Dive School??".  See, I mistakenly thought he was sporting a "Grill".  He paused for a second before he responded "These are my teeth. I was in a car accident a few years ago where I was unrestrained and my teeth went through my lip knocking them out. This was all I could afford to replace them with."  Oh yeah, I'm a sensitive bitch. To add to my Asshole-ness, I was involved in a similar accident as a teenager and am standing there with my straight, white, teeth that were saved because my Mom came to school every day and brought me broth & bread until my teeth firmed back up then graduated me up to real food slowly just so they WOULDN'T fall out of my head, asking about HIS teeth.  Before you ask, I WAS nice enough to share that story with him. Remember, sensitive bitch, right here.  I ought to call my Mom...