Monday, May 7, 2012

I Just Can't

I have a love/hate relationship with the Springtime. I love the hope and renewal that come with the blooming flowers and the new life.
I hate the springtime because one of the worst events of my adult life happened in the springtime.
In the Springtime, I gave custody of my sweet, precious Miss A to her Father and Stepmother.
I did it because that's what she said she wanted. As her Mom, I felt like that was the right thing to do because you are supposed to put your child's needs above your own.
Most days I feel like I can live with that decision. Then there are days like today. Days when I feel like there's a hole in my chest. A ragged gaping wound that the bandage has been ripped off. Exposing it. And the pain is so great. So overwhelming.
Days like today when I force myself to do even the most mundane task, then end up sobbing in the drive thru line at the bank.
The worst part is, I don't know WHY. I have never known WHY and it eats at my very soul.
I am not whole. I am parts. And they are broken.
I smile. I go through the motions. Some days I almost FEEL whole. But really, I never will be.
Days like today, I feel like the greatest failure as a Mother and a Human Being.
Days like today are so very hard.
Days like today I just can't. 


  1. Just for today, forgive yourself of EVERYTHING. Just for today. Tomorrow you can pick it all back up or only pick up one thing to feel bad about. Or DON'T pick anything back up. Let it lie there until it is tripped over and then you can pick it up and put it away. Know that you are a kind, loving, caring mother. A wonderful wife and partner, and a dear and funny friend to MANY. Know that this spudstud in North Mississippi thinks you are a valuable and valued person that I look forward to reading your blogs and posts and wish that I could apply the spud stud magic words. "Oh NO, Let ME handle that".... all I can do is just say that I am here if you ever need me to listen, laugh or plot to overthrow the known universe.

    1. Scott, You "Handled That" perfectly!! I adore you beyond measure. You always know just what to say.

  2. Honey - you did the right thing. It hurts to miss her and to not have her with you day-to-day, but if you had fought to keep custody of her you would both be unhappy, in compromise mode. She loves you, but would always want to live with her Dad - you would know that and be hurt that she wanted to be there and feel guilty for not allowing it to happen.
    MsA is a beautiful and intelligent girl who is going to grow up to be just as funny and kind and witty and loving as you are. You are her Mom no matter how far apart you are geographically - you are in her heart.
    Watch Princess Bride, "as you wish" - she will always be your little girl and you love her enough to give her "as you wish." You loved her that much - to give her "as she wished." That is powerful love and she knows it.
    We love you - I'm sending virtual hugs, but if you need a real one I'll be there ;)

  3. Oh Mouthy I just want to reach thru the screen and give you a great big Italian hug!! YOU have done the hardest and MOST LOVING gesture of any mother. YOU are THE epitome of selfless unconditional love and I applaud you. My heart aches for you because you ache but please, please, please know you have done all that is good and true.. My ex daughter in law is putting my grandson thru hell right now. He wants to live with his daddio but my ex dil will not budge and it is an absolute nightmare.. Oh Mouthy, please replace your guilt with self love, you deserve it.. Your daughter will love you and respect you like no other when she comes into womanhood.. You hold your head high and smile with pride. YOU my dear are a very rare spirit.. (Hugs, hugs n' more hugs..)

  4. You know this is what makes you a Mother. You put your child's desires before your own. XO. -Kelly

  5. :( Hang in there. Even though it sounds like you made the best decision, it can still be hard. Be compassionate with yourself.


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