I hate the springtime because one of the worst events of my adult life happened in the springtime.
In the Springtime, I gave custody of my sweet, precious Miss A to her Father and Stepmother.
I did it because that's what she said she wanted. As her Mom, I felt like that was the right thing to do because you are supposed to put your child's needs above your own.
Most days I feel like I can live with that decision. Then there are days like today. Days when I feel like there's a hole in my chest. A ragged gaping wound that the bandage has been ripped off. Exposing it. And the pain is so great. So overwhelming.
Days like today when I force myself to do even the most mundane task, then end up sobbing in the drive thru line at the bank.
The worst part is, I don't know WHY. I have never known WHY and it eats at my very soul.
I am not whole. I am parts. And they are broken.
I smile. I go through the motions. Some days I almost FEEL whole. But really, I never will be.
Days like today, I feel like the greatest failure as a Mother and a Human Being.
Days like today are so very hard.
Days like today I just can't.