Don't Swear in Front of My Kid!!

Okay, so.  Thanks to Hurricane Isaac, we don't have power so I'm sitting at TWH's office typing this.  Everyone is comparing stories of how bad their lives are at the moment.  (Let me digress for a minute by saying not only do we NOT have power, I haven't had coffee in over 24 hours. So now, not ONLY did I have to take a cold shower this morning, I've barely slept, I'm uncaffeinated, and it's SHARK WEEK for me. I win mofos!! I motherfucking WIN!!)

Anyways, I'm set up in an empty cubicle at TWH's office with TB on his laptop in the next cubicle.  From over the wall, I hear some guy telling his tale of woe and he says "Fucking".  For some reason, THIS makes me cringe.  I started to stand up and give him The Death Glare while pointing to TB and saying "My KID is in this cubicle!!"  Because I'm a big ol' hypocrite. Obviously.

I've said before that I write like I talk. EXACTLY like I talk.  I can be heard at my house swearing like a sailor simply because I can't get some schmutz off a dish. Or I dropped something. Or I tripped over one of the Dawgs. Or it's a day that ends with "Y". Whatever. My point is, for some reason, I've decided it's perfectly fine for me to swear in front of my kids but for someone else to do it??
Oh. HELL. NO!!  It drives me batshit crazy.  Don't talk like that in front of my kid!!  I'M the only one that can talk like that in front of my kid!!

Inconsiderate Asshole. Watch your damn language already!!

I Think T is Trying to Kill Me

Okay, so. T & I are going to lunch. He usually drives because my driving scares the shit out of him. That, and he usually knows where in the hell he's going. I am hopelessly Directionally Challenged.
Anyway, I go to get in T's truck. I open the door, put my foot on the running board, AND DAMN NEAR SLIDE OFF.
Me: What in the hell did you do to your running boards??
T: I cleaned my truck yesterday.
Me: Did you OIL them or something??
T: I put Armor-All on all my black. (His words, Hand-to-God)
Me: So you DID oil your running boards.
T: They're a little slick, I guess.

We arrive at out lunch destination. I grab a handful of napkins and wipe down the running board on my side of the truck. So I don't die.
T: What the hell are you DOING??
Me: Wiping the oil off. You're just gonna have to think of some other, less obvious way to kill me off.
T: ??
Me: I know this is payback for the toilet paper roll last week. You're gonna hafta try harder. Bastid.
T: Oh Jesus...

I'm relating this story to TWH on the way home. I told him it was a damn good thing I DIDN'T bust my ass because my last words to T, before I lost consciousness, would have been "You're paying for this!!". TWH said "No. Your last words would have been "You're fucking paying for this!!"

I Love that man!!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Okay, so. This weekend was SPQ weekend. I shared a room with my friend Erica & my Wife-in-Law Amy.
We were in the room changing for some event or other & I was telling the story of Why I Am Going to Hell (reason #427). Part of the story was "It was hot as fuck. I was sweaty as fuck."  Amy looks at me and says "Must you use THAT word?? Can you choose ANOTHER word to use PLEASE??"  I responded with "Sure!! It was hot AS BALLS. I was sweaty AS BALLS."  Amy Cringes and begins yelling "Oh Lawd!!  Never mind!! You can use the OTHER WORD!!"  Apparently, I was able to find something she found more offensive than the use of the word "Fuck". Never underestimate my power to verbally offend. I can do it with OR without the use of profanity.
It's totally my superpower.