Sunday, January 1, 2012
I'm About to Make My Mom Proud
Okay, so. Every year, me, my girlfriends & my Wife-in-Law (she's married to my ex) load up to take ourselves to Jackson, Mississippi for a weekend to be a part of the World Famous Sweet Potato Queens Zippity Doo Dah (formerly the St. Paddy's Day) Parade. This is a weekend where we don costumes, wigs, LOADS of sparkly jewelry and the biggest Tiaras we can find that we can fit into our budgets and PLAY. And we play HARD. I have learned several things over these weekends but one of my all-time favorite things I have learned is the phrase "Eat Shit ". I use it. A LOT. I also added AND DIE for good measure. See, last year, I got pretty NOT sober at the ball. I was not sober enough that I ended up doing drunken cartwheels and the splits in the hallway outside my room. Somehow, we ended up with the photographer in tow and he took pictures of my drunk ass performing these feats. He had them on display outside the breakfast room the next morning. I have to say, I looked WAY more awesome in my head. Kinda like those pictures on Pinterest. "This is how I think I look..." My Mom would be so proud... Anyways, during my drunken acrobatics, a small crowd had formed to witness my jackassery. We may have been a LITTLE loud. It may have been a LITTLE late. So some woman opens her door and begins griping about the noise and could we keep it down because she had kids in her room who were trying to sleep. My response went something along the lines of "Boy are YOU in the wrong hotel on the wrong weekend Sister!!" Really, this Parade has been on the SAME weekend, in the SAME hotel FOR-EV-ER. Okay, if I'd have been sober, I'd have (maybe) been nicer. But I wasn't so there you are. The next day, we were on the bus coming back from some event or other when the subject of the cranky woman came up. Turns out, she'd been a pure-d Bitch the night before but I wasn't really paying attention to the full rant. Well, one of the ORIGINAL Wannabe Queens, Martha Jean Alford, (Whom I absolutely ADORE) was in the front of the bus. She turns around with her damn near six foot self in her Queenly shades and says "I just can't believe she was so UGLY!! Did you tell her to just EAT SHIT ??" "No, but we sure wish we had!!" was our response. Fast forward to that night. I am considerably more sober than the night before. I had washed my face, brushed my teeth, & donned my sock monkey pajamas when I pause, sit on the foot of my bed, look up at my Wife-in-Law (we shared a room last year) and say "Y'know what would be funny as HELL?? We go to Bitchy McBitchypants' room, knock on her door, and when she answers say in unison "Martha Jean says to EAT SHIT!! Goodnight!!" My WIL said while it WOULD be funny, it might not be prudent so we just went on to bed. She's obviously the level headed one. We will be headed to Jackson again this March. We have more wigs & more bling. Y'all should come play. You won't regret it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll do a couple of cartwheels for ya.