My Tiara & Crime

Okay, so.  TWH & I have recently discovered the show "The Finder". We're in the middle of a marathon today. This one episode has a chick who is a criminal and wears big ol' angel wings EVERYWHERE.  I look over at TWH & ask "Who wears angel wings everywhere they go if they're living a life of crime??" TWH mumbled something about my Tiara in reply. I countered with "My Tiara would totally HELP me with a life of crime. It certainly wouldn't be what kept me from escaping through an air vent.  My fat ass and my inability to run very far would prohibit my escape.  NOT my Tiara!!  My Tiara would help me escape. I could use the sparkly-ness of my Tiara to blind a motherfucker.  Angel wings, huge & easy to spot. Tiara:1 Angel Wings: 0.

Argument. Totally. Won.

A Day In the Life

Okay, so. I live in South Louisiana. It's winter here today. I refuse to turn the heater on because it'll be spring again tomorrow. We're using the fireplace instead. Here's how The Dawgs see it, apparently....

Dawg:  Hey!! You got a fire!!
Me: Yep
Dawg: Hey!! You got a blanket!!
Me: Uh huh
Dawg: Hey!!  You got coffee!!
Me: Yummy coffee...
Dawg: Hey!!  You're all warm & comfy there on the sofa!!
Me: Sure am. C'mon up & cuddle
Dawg: I gotta go out

Motherfucker.

I've Been a Bitch

Okay, so.  This week I've been a little under the weather.  My husband gave me the Plague (re: Upper Respiratory Infection).  On top of that, I have had raging PMS.

A couple of days ago, I tweeted "Upper respiratory infection, PMS, & bs drama. Somebody bring me a mocha & a cookie & back away slowly". I KNEW I was being a total Bitch From Hell but I COULDN'T STOP.  Didn't even know HOW. I was in the grip of my woes and I was wallowing there happily.

One night, I snapped at TWH for something petty, I'm sure. He looked at me and said "I know you're not feeling well, but you're being really.....  Cranky".

I looked at him with a COMPLETE lack of guile and said "I explained it all on Twitter".

End. Of. Story.

P.S. Someone actually found my blog by searching the keywords Twitter Roomba Everywhere Poop. Most random search EV-ER!!!

I Have No Idea Where This Post Is Going

Okay, so.  I had a post kind of written in my head about being sick then I was folding towels and a chewed up Crackstick the Little Dawg had buried in the basket fell out and I got all distracted by whether or not I should wash them again because I didn't want Dawg slob in my vajayjay and that's what that equated to in my head. Of course, my head is currently clouded with prescription cold medicine that came with a warning that said "May Cause Drowsiness" which equates to me as "Will Most Assuredly Knock You On Your Ass". Also, it makes me not spell for shit, apparently, judging by the record number of squiggly red lines popping up on my screen screaming "Damn Woman!! You are FUCKED UP!!" Yep, that cold medicine works like a charm. Fortunately, I have TWH to proofread this shit for me and correct my spelling mistakes while I drool into my pillow with eyeliner smeared across my forehead.

Anyway, a few highlights from my trip to the Urgent Care yesterday.
1) I referred to my urgent care as The Redneck Urgent Care on Twitter. I got a reply from one of my tweeps (@slackdaddy13) asking if this was due to an unfortunate beer can incident. (This guy is FUNNY)
2) I ran into my  friend & her husband. If I'd gotten out of the exam sooner, I could have planned out our whole Mardi Gras Parade viewing schedule.
3) TWH took my running into these people as vindication that he DID NOT give me the plague as I had accused him of. He said THEY had the SAME THING I did & he had NOT been kissing on EITHER of them.  I am still on the fence about this one.
4) I FINALLY remembered to tell the doc in a box that I did NOT want the steroid shot because I would like to go home and actually sleep thankyouverymuch. While the shot makes me able to breathe, I also end up re-arranging my Farmville or Pinterest (now) because even with all the cable & movie channels, there is STILL precious little on at 4AM worth watching & I NEED to be entertained dammit!!

Anyway, I got a crapload of meds. I will live to blog another day.  I REALLY need to go change into my jammies & brush my teeth because shit's starting to get a little blurry...

I told you this post was going NOWHERE. Don't drink cough medicine with a straw & blog kiddies!!

P.S.  I just put the towels away
P.P.S.  I used a straw for my cough syrup because I didn't have one of those little Nyquil cups, I didn't want to get my cooties all over the bottle, and I just spill it all down my front if I use a spoon. I'm a spaz.
P.P.P.S. TWH just proofread this post. He said I have an unprecedented ability to write a run-on sentence that YOU CAN"T FIX.  It's a gift.

Goodnizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Raising Kids With Love & Sarcasm

Okay, so.  We're in the car discussing what we want for dinner.  I'm dying for a burger but I don't want a fast food burger. TWH says "If we don't want fast..." and trails off because he's thinking. TB picks up with "Then we want FURIOUS".  We ignore him. Mainly because we're trying to have a serious conversation.  After a few more minutes of discussion, I hear TB muttering under his breath "Seriously?". This is the conversation that followed:
Me: What son??
TB: No. Nothing...
Me: No, really. If you have an opinion on dinner, let us know.
TB: It's not that...
Me: Well then what is it??
TB: Did you even hear what I said??
Me: Yeah. We heard. Why??  Did you make a suggestion for dinner & we missed it??
TB: NO. The OTHER thing.
Me: Oh. The furious thing??
TB: Yeah. THAT
Me: So you expect me to respond to your Jackassery??
TB:...
Me: If you insist on a response to your Jackassery, I will happily respond with one of the following comments:
       1) Wil Wheaton says "Don't be a Dick!!"
       2) Don't be a Jackass
       3) You're being a Jerkface. Stop it.
       Do You find these responses agreeable son??
TB: .....   Uuuuuhhhhhh....  I guess.
Me: Then it's agreed. I'm glad we've come to an understanding.

I don't think TB really appreciates everything we do to accommodate him.  We're bending over backward here people. Bending. Over. Backward.

Good God, I'm Freakin' TIRED!!

Okay, so.  I have been up since 1:30 this morning. Not my idea. AT. ALL.  Tigger, also known as New Crackhaid Dawg, decided 1:30 was the perfect time to FREAK THE FUCK OUT IN HIS KENNEL.  I rolled over and mumbled "Hush Tigger". He quieted down for a few minutes then started whining again. TWH jumps in at this point & sternly says "Tigger, shut up". He did and I happily was on the verge of returning to my blissful slumber when (I guess) Tigger started up again and TWH (practically) yelled "Tigger!!  HUSH!!" which jolted me awake and scared the ever loving shit out of me. THAT'S why I have been stumbling around all day on 3 hours sleep.  Thank God for Starcracks!!

Needless to say, I'm a little cranky. I also have an extra short tolerance for crap right now.
Here's what happened on the way home.
TWH: (Singing along with the radio) *mumble, mumble, blah, blah*
ME: What?? (Thinking he actually SAID something)
TWH: Huh??
Me: Did you say something??
TWH: Huh??
Me: You're being a dick.
TWH:??

I go to tan. I'm tanning because the ZDD Parade is fast approaching & brown fat looks better than white fat. If you need proof, look at uncooked VS cooked bacon & tell me which one is more appealing. See?? Brown fat is better.
I doze off in the tanning bed & my ass is slightly sunburned.

I come home, have some pizza, and am sitting down watching TV. I have one Dawg barking at me for no apparent reason & one Dawg chewing on me. I'm almost on the verge of tears and am powerless to stop ANY of this.

I'm drinking tea. I'm watching ONE show on the DVR and I'm going to BED!!

Longest. Day. EV-ER!!

I Can Pepper Spray People!!

Okay, so.  Today after we got back from lunch, T & I were in his truck gathering our things when suddenly, there is a guy on a bicycle giving T his looooonnnnngg sob story about why he needed money. While T is dealing with this, I text one of out cop clients. It went like this:
Me: There's some guy here panhandling.
Cop: Lol. I don't get to work til 2. Go pepper spray him.
Me: Don't give me that kind of permission.
       I'll go all crazy white girl with that shit.
Cop: I anoint you. Have fun. Lol.
Me: I'll be a fucking pepper spray ninja!!
Cop: Throw your shears at him like a ninja throwing star!!
Me: Bahahahahahahaha!!

I of course IMMEDIATELY text TWH with the good news.
Me: Cop just gave me permission to defend myself with pepper spray as I felt the need to!!
TWH: O.O
Me: I told him not to tell me that because I'd go all white girl crazy with that shit
TWH: Really??  He told you that??
ME: He said "I anoint you. Have fun." That's how I'm taking it. I now have permission from law enforcement to pepper spray people at will.
TWH: Oh Jesus...  I need to have a LONG talk with that man.
ME: You wanna be able to spray people too??

He never texted me back after that.

I'm going to the Police Supply place next Monday and buying myself a CASE of Pepper Spray. That oughta be a good start.