My Vanity Knows No Bounds

Okay, so. This weekend, I cleaned out the cabinets & drawers in my bathroom. It started because TWH got water all over everything under his cabinet so I started pulling stuff out, drying it off, and throwing shit away. As with most projects like that, I can't leave it half done. That and my side looked like an episode of Hoarders. Junk & mess everywhere.  I go through those cabinets and show no mercy. I throw out shit I haven't used in months or am never gonna use.  You oughta see all the room I have in those cabinets & drawers now!!
I digress...
Today, I decide I'm going to bleach my teeth. I haven't done it in awhile and the SPQ Parade (my own personal Christmas) is coming up in TEN DAYS(insert squeals of excitement & glee here) so I need to get my smile all prettified.  I go to my (newly tidied) cabinet & get out my bleach stuff. I open my (newly purged) drawer to get out my bleach trays and they're GONE!!  G-O-N-E!!  Aaaaaauuuuugggghhhhh!!  I threw them out!!  Now I held them in my hand for a second as I was purging Saturday but for some reason I thought they were the clear retainers I'd gotten right after my braces came off so out they went.  I immediately dumped the garbage can in the bathroom out in the vain hope that they would be in ther but NOOOOOO.  They're in the big garbage bag TWH threw out mid-purge. They're out in the pollen & rain covered garbage can under the carport.
Where else would they be??
I ran outside, threw open the lid & dug through that can like a raccoon looking for some leftover chicken.
These are my BLEACH TRAYS people!!  I need this shit!! Not to mention that they're not cheap, require a visit to the dentist for molds, and take two weeks to get here. I don't have two weeks!!
I found them. Luckily they were in the bag that was on top. Right there in their little protective case. Which, thankfully, was still closed.
I ran inside, scrubbed everything with hot water, soap, toothpaste, peroxide, & rubbing alcohol then thoroughly dried it all.
Yes, I am using them. They're in my face right now. Like I said, my vanity knows no bounds.

WTF Wednesday (A Rant)

Okay, so.  I've mentioned before that I live in South Louisiana.  Recently, (as in the last year or so) we've had some major interstate construction going on.  As the construction has continued, the accidents have gotten worse. They are now happening at 1-2 times a week. Always during rush hour (morning & evening). They almost always involve 18 wheelers. They almost always shut down the ENTIRE interstate. It's a fucking nightmare.
A few weeks ago, my friend Missy commented on FB about how big a pain in the ass these accidents & their frequency were becoming. I commented that these 18 wheeler drivers had to pass a test so presumably they were literate & therefore able to read the big, flashing signs warning them that lane shifts and lower speed zones were ahead and act accordingly.
I was SO wrong.
Fun fact: The driving test can and will be administered to you in ANY LANGUAGE YOU REQUEST. I find this somewhat mind boggling because if you can't speak or read English, how in the HELL are you going to read a sign telling you important shit like Slow. The. Fuck. Down??  Seriously?!?!  These guys are driving big assed trucks that weigh TONS upon TONS, yakking on their cell phones, whizzing down the interstate, and very possibly cant speak or read  English. What kind of Dumbfuckery is THAT!?!!?
Way to go DMV. Another win for you guys!!
W.T.F??

TB Takes Control

Okay, so.  TB has always been a "Helper". Sometimes we ask. Sometimes we don't.  Tonight, when he took control of the remote, we didn't.  This was somewhat problematic for two reasons. 1: It's the end of the day so his ADHD meds are wearing/have worn off.  2: He was trying to access the On Demand channels. This is not something he's accustomed to doing & requires listening skills. If you're confused as to why this was problematic, see problem 1.

TB taking the control went something like this.

TB: What button do I press??

Me: On Demand.

TB: What channel am I looking for??

TWH: SyFy

TB: What show??

Me: Being Human.

TB begins pushing buttons.  Up. Down. Sideways.  My eye begins to twitch.

Me: No..  Go...  Back... Uh... Stop...   Just. Bring. Me. The. FlippingFlarkingFlooking REMOTE!!
(This was better than what was going through my mind at the time. THAT went something like "Will you just give me the motherfucking remote and let me do it!!"  You're admiring my restraint right now, aren't you??)

TB: I don't know WHY I can't do it.  I almost had it!!

Me: Because, you're not listening well & it's making me CRAZY. It's just easier & less painful for everyone if Dad or I do it.

My sweet boy. He tries. He doesn't always succeed, but he tries.

Holy Hell!! WTF?!?! OWWWWWWW!!!!

Okay, so.  Twh & I went to Lowes yesterday to pick up drywall for our bathroom project. We're turning the tiny shower we used to have in our bathroom into a linen closet.  We were on our way home when TWH looks up at the sky and says "It's a really nice day out." I reply with "I know. It's almost a shame we have to spend it all inside putting up drywall."   Now, you'll remember, back in the fall I pulled everything out of the flowerbeds and reshaped them so we could create a stone border around them.  We decided we would go home, unload the drywall & stuff then go to the nursery and pick out some plants for the flowerbeds.   I blissfully roamed the aisles of the plant nursery picking out whatever struck my fancy until the cart was totally full.  We came home, unloaded the plants & cleaned up the yard and I placed the plants around the flowerbeds.  I got them arranged to my liking and left them until today.

Today I planted.  Alone. In peace. Except for the 30 or so minutes the neighbors spent screaming obscenities at one another while trying to hook a trailer to their truck. Remember, I live in Tha Redneckhood.  It took me the better part of 5 hours.  I bought A LOT of plants.

Now I hurt. I hurt in places I didn't even know I HAD. Holy Hell!!  I'm too old for this shit. I'm also too cheap to hire a gardener.

I'm spending NEXT Monday getting a massage. It seems fair.

THIS Is Why TWH & I Work

Okay, so.  Monday one of my Personal Heroes, The Bloggess finally let go of her obsession with Nathan Fillion holding twine and JOKINGLY asked for a picture of Jeri L. Ryan holding a spatula which, of course, she got. Along with fifty gajillion pictures of her Minions holding spatulas. I read this post to TWH while we were in the car. He sighed heavily and said, "Do you need to send her a picture of you holding a spatula??". I told him no, I could continue my life (albeit a diminished one) without contributing to the influx of spatula pictures.

Fast forward a few hours. TWH is making dinner & I'm reading to him from my phone AGAIN about The Bloggess getting her wish. TWH (faux) grudgingly said "Fine. HERE." and posed for THIS photo.

                                                      TWH with TB's Darth Vader spatula.

This??  This right here?? THIS is why TWH & I work.  He GETS ME.  All of me. The crazy parts. The scared parts. Even the dark & twisty parts.  I wouldn't trade him for anything.

I Just Went & Gussied Up My Blog

Okay, so.  I got tired of my Blog looking so, well, STANDARD.  When I set this thing up, I did it quick, fast, and in a hurry with no thought toward the overall look of the thing.  I just wanted to write a blog. I didn't worry about making it pretty.
In MY opinion, it's pretty now.  Yes, it's pink. It's PINK. PIIIINNNNKKKK!!  Sue me, I like Pink. Besides, how disarming is the word "Fuck" amongst all this Pinkiness??  See??  You didn't even see it coming. Okay, you've been here before so maybe you were looking for it. Maybe it will disarm the Newbies.
Anyways, tell me what you think. Too much??  Too little?? Totally nailed it??
I really wanna know. I won't call you a Fuckwad or anything. I promise.

I Gots Me ANOTHER Award!!

Okay, so. Jo over at The Bright Yellow Balloon up and gave me another award. Now I'll have TWO pins to make up & wear around to attest to my quasi-awesomeness.  You think I'm kidding. I'm totally not. Imma pin them to my Juanita the Weasel apron for the SPQ Big Hat Luncheon later this month. Look for them in the pictures. They'll be on either side of Juanita.

Anyways....   This is the Award Darlin' Jo gave me:



It originated with Ach du Lieber and it's specifically awarded to people who have under 200 followers.  200..... I can't even imagine...
Of course, every Award has RULES (except the one Jo's gonna make. It's gonna be all anti-rules) so here goes:

1: Link back to the Blogger who gave the Award to you.  Check!!
2: Give this Award to five other Bloggers.
3: Post this on your Blog & follow the rules.

That's it!!  Those are ALL the rules!! Woo Hoo!!

First, Edith MyRant.  She is a single Mom, a Derby Girl (which is cool as hell & intimidating all at once) and a fellow Mommy Blogger. What else could you want??

Second My Suitcase Full of Tricks. Ali is a sassy, funny, skinny(but I can totally forgive her for it) Mom who puts herself out there. Amazingly, she does it without swearing. I KNOW!!

Third The Jamie/Jill Big Ass Cooking Project  This girl seems to be cooking up EVERY recipe from The Sweet Potato Queens Big Ass Cookbook (And Financial Planner). How can you go wrong??  Really??

Fourth Oblong Agenda My friend Julie turned me on to her. Her tagline is "A Journal of My Life Because I Can't Remember Shit". How can you NOT read that blog??

Fifth MamaNeeds1 RefillPlease She's on the same teenage daughter funcoaster. She has a sister who's (apparently) the biggest PITA to ever live. She's a wine lover & a photographer. She has more patience than I could EVER muster.

I've gotta say, I don't follow a TON of Blogs. I have no idea what'll happen if I get any more Awards. I'm fast running out of people to pass them on to.  I'm sure I'll think of something.

Thanks again for the love Jo.  I've said this before. You ROCK!!